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A little confused.

Question:

Hello, this isn’t very important I just would like some help? A little info about me first though, I’m a girl, age 13, I’m really short and petite, I also know I’m not beautiful…but I’m not ugly either. Around school no one is really mean to me, a few people talk to me in all but I’m always being labeled as ‘emo, goth and outcast’ because of the way I dress and look. So back to the day I’m talking about I guess, you have more important things than me… I have known I like girls and boys for a long time and all…but this girl lets call her “Sally” said she likes me.(This girl is one a lot of people like, she’s the type of girl everyone wants to be…so I don’t know why she was even interested in me) She stayed the night at my house one day ,after we had been talking for a while, when my parents were on vacation and we started being stupid. We got into my parents wine they kept hidden and drank some of it…after we had some she just all of the sudden kissed me…really hard, I had only been kissed a few times but this one was amazing, I was high off of her lips I never wanted it to stop. I don’t know if it was the little bit of wine in my system or just me being around her that made me brave enough to tell her just that. So she lead us back to the room and I lost my virginity, it was amazing and she told me that she loved me and she would never let me go…but after school started again she totally ignored me and acted like she didn’t know me, she still is. So can you tell me what I did wrong? Did she think it would be just be funny to take someone’s virginity? Or am I just stupid and read everything wrong?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi Cheyenne,

It is very brave of you to have reached out to Ask Trevor. I am sorry to hear about the issue you are having with “Sally” and that she has been ignoring you, but first I want to address a couple of things you mentioned in your letter. You mentioned that this “isn’t very important and that we have more important things than you” and that you know you are “not beautiful”. I want you to know that your letter is very important to us, your concerns are important to us and we are so happy that you wrote in about what is on your mind. We are here for you always. Also, even though we cannot see you, you are beautiful, inside and out and do not let anyone make you feel or tell you otherwise. I hope that in time, you will begin to become confident in who you are as an individual and just know that you are a special person in your own right. Now back to the issue with this girl “Sally.”

To start, Sally must have really liked you to have come over to your house and spend the night. If she didn’t like you, she would not have done that. It must hurt a lot that after being so close and giving yourself to someone that you are now being ignored back at school. You wrote that Sally kissed you first and initiated going back to your room, another indication of her liking you. I am sure that you did not do anything wrong to make her ignore you. You are not stupid at all and did not read anything wrong. As a matter of fact, Sally may have felt it was just as amazing as you felt it was and maybe this scared her. You seem as if you are confident in your sexuality, already knowing at a young age that you like both boys and girls, as you stated. It is quite possible that Sally isn’t as confident with her sexuality as you are. Maybe she is frightened and confused by her feelings of what happened. Sometimes when this happens, a person can shut down and try to pretend to themselves that it can’t be. As a result, you are feeling it is your fault, but in reality it is an issue that Sally may be having with her own sexuality. In turn, she is ignoring you.

Have you tried to talk to Sally about this? If you feel like you want to address the situation with her, you have every right to do so. This doesn’t mean that you will get the reaction or response you are looking for. It is hard to predict how she will react, but you never know. Maybe one day you can pull her aside or write her a short letter that you need to speak with her and schedule a time to meet privately and not around a bunch of school friends.

If this doesn’t help and things remain the same and you continue to feel very sad, perhaps there is a counselor or even a teacher at school that you trust whom you can speak to about this. School counselors are bound by certain rules of confidentiality and as long as you aren’t hurting yourself, they will not have to tell your parents or anyone else about what is on your mind. You may want to talk to someone anyway about how people at school are calling you names like “emo, goth, and outcast.” If this is happening all the time, this is a sign of being bullied and you shouldn’t have to go to school and deal with that. A teacher or counselor can really help you with this or at least give you a place to get things out of your head.

I can only imagine that you must be feeling alone and lost right now. In the meantime, I suggest you join Trevor Space. It is a great way to speak to others that may be going through similar situations. If you prefer to talk to someone further about this anonymously you can call the Trevor Project Life-Line at 866-488-7386. It is free and confidential. If you do not feel comfortable talking you can contact Trevor Chat at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat.  If for some reason you have difficulty connecting with someone right away another similar resource you can use is the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, National Youth Talk line. They can also be of great assistance. They can be reached at 1-800-246-PRIDE or you can visit their website at GLNH.org to view a variety of their resources. Remember, you are not alone and there are many people out there willing to listen to you. Please contact us again if need be. We are always here for you.

Trevor Staff