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Advice for Coming Out as a Gay Transboy

Question:

I hope that putting in all my information doesn’t mean people will send me spam mail about transgender-ness. Because none of my family knows yet…

Hi, I’m Isaac (self-proclaimed boy name), a gay transboy, hiding in the closet from his family. My friends and boyfriend know I’m trans, and supposed to be a boy, and I’m extremely grateful they accept me, I truly am. I’m having issues with coming out to my family more importantly.

First of all, my mom and dad are split up. Both have found new loves. My mom’s boyfriend, I believe is a bit skeptical on transgender people in general. My mom is fair and not very religious, along with the fact she knows I bind and have guy clothes. I think she suspects that I may be lesbian, but I don’t think trans. I’m not sure of her boyfriend, because I think he suspects I’m a lesbian as well. Although I never give hints to him, I think he assumes it.

My dad (along with his fiancé) are both religious. My dad isn’t as religious as his girl, but they both are clearly. I asked my dad what he thought about it, a sort of “I heard on the news about this transwoman in Ohio…” fake story. He said that although he doesn’t agree with the bible on everything, he agrees with it on some things. But to add to this, his fiancé’s niece is a transwoman. He seemed okay with her being trans, but she’s not his child, I am. So I think that would drastically change his ideas. It doesn’t help that his fiancé told me that she doesn’t understand how her niece could be a transwoman, or how God could make a mistake like that, and that she would be devastated if her son was gay.

My siblings (2 brothers, 1 sister) are sort of outcasts. My eldest brother is in the National Guard overseas until February. My other older brother lives with my mom and is a lazy guy. I hear him make rude remarks about how “gays are disgusting”, so I think he’d be a bit hard to deal with. My sister is very much like my mom, I told her a friend of mine was transgender, and she said that she and mom would both be okay with it.

In summary, I need advice on coming out to my semi-agnostic mother and her boyfriend, and my semi religious father and his fiance, and then my siblings. I would like to step out of the closet fairly soon, because it hurts to be hiding like this for so long.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi – thanks for writing to the Trevor Project!

First of all your information is safe with us and you will find this community to be incredibly supportive – no spam.

Discovering your gender identity and coming out can be one of the most difficult times in a young person’s life, but I applaud you for not being afraid of who you truly are and were already brave enough to tell your boyfriend and friends close to you. Having those close people you can rely on can be incredibly helpful when you decide it’s the right time to fully come out to your family. Family can be one of the most difficult to come out to because people are afraid of losing the one thing they can rely on forever, but family can also be the most supportive because often times family will love you no matter what. It seems that your family has all mentioned that they would be fine with a transgender person and I think they would be even more okay with it since you are their child, sister, brother, etc. I believe your mother and sister would be a great place to start. It seems like they would both be perfectly okay with it and they can support you as you continue through this journey. I know you have concerns regarding your dad and his fiancé but I think they will surprise you.  A lot of people are afraid of things they don’t understand, but once they realize that you are still you I believe you will find them to be incredibly accepting. I believe the same thing goes for your brother.

You are incredibly strong and you have the support to help you in every possible way – boyfriend, friends, and us here at the Trevor Project. No one can tell you when the right time to come out to your family is but it seems like you’re hurting and I think you will feel relieved after you come out to your family and ready to experience all life as to offer without hiding anymore. Please feel free to call the TrevorHotline (866-488-7386) if you ever want immediate advice.  Also, you can check out TrevorSpace, which is a community for people that are going through the same experiences you are and can provide more support for you during this time.

We here at the Trevor Project will always be here for you and we wish you all the happiness in the world!

Good luck and best wishes,

Trevor Staff