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Hi. Long story short, I’ve never had a crush on anyone before. I remember pretending to like boys back in elementary because that’s all the other girls talked about but I’ve never actually liked someone, boy or girl. I’m in high school now and I’m wondering does this make me asexual? I do want a romantic/sexual relationship though, and I can imagine myself in one with a girl easily. Have I just not found the right person yet or am I really asexual? To sum it up, I don’t know who I am or how to figure it out, and I feel really confused and lonely.
Dear Mary Kate,
It can be really scary and confusing when you feel like you don’t know who you are, and it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. Especially when you’re asking about sexuality and romantic attraction, which are very big and complicated things. Who you are attracted to, both sexually and romantically, can change over time, and different people discover themselves at different times. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, and many people feel the same way even if they don’t say it.
You say that you can easily imagine yourself in a relationship with a girl, and that you do want a romantic/sexual relationship. In trying to figure out if you just haven’t found the right person yet it might be useful to think about what you like about a romantic/ sexual relationship. When you imagine yourself being in one with a girl, what about that makes you feel good? What do you picture it being like? Thinking about those questions can help you discover yourself.
Asexual is a term describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex. Asexuality is different from celibacy, which means abstaining from sex. Asexuality is often viewed as a spectrum – meaning there are varying levels and identities regarding someone’s emotional, spiritual and romantic attraction. The best way to refer to the asexual community is to use the umbrella term “Ace” or “Aces” as in the “Ace community,” which acknowledges that spectrum. For more information on asexuality, check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) at http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
There are also some Trevor resources that may help. You already know about Ask Trevor. Do you know about TrevorSpace , Trevor’s safe online space for LGBTQ youth and allies 13 – 24? There you can post on forums and chat with other LGBTQ youth, and sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is going through the same questions that you are.
Remember, it’s normal to feel like you don’t know if you’re asexual or if you just haven’t found the right person yet. Focus on what you do know, step back and give yourself a little breathing room, and explore in your mind these questions that can help you discover yourself. You can always talk to us again, we are here for you.