I am 17 and I have known for years that I was bi but didn’t want to accept it because of my religion. A turn of event my sophomore years changed how I felt. I fell in love with my best friend. It’s like nothing I’ve felt before. I get butterflies when I see her, I always think of her before I make any decision, I think about her constantly and her smile brightens my whole day. I think I would be over her if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve been sexually involved for 2 years.
We have the kind of relationship where we talk about everything and tell each other everything. Because of this she knows how I feel about her and it didn’t seem to affect her. The problem is that she has had a boyfriend this whole time and she says she’s straight. I don’t understand how this is possible and how she can keep doing this like it’s not affecting me. I know this should stop but it’s hard. My love for her is way beyond sexual. I want her to be mine. I want to be able to hold her hand, hug her, and kiss her when I want to but it’s not possible. My heart keeps breaking more and more. I feel like she’s playing with my emotions and it’s not ok. Having to see her in the hallway with her boyfriend everyday kills me. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. How do I get over her? How can I stop feeling alone? How do I stop feeling numb? I just wanna feel like I have a heart again.
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Falling in love can be the best thing in the world and the worst all at the same time. I am glad that you were able to put your feelings down in writing and share with us. Often just talking about these kind of things helps us to start moving forward.
It sounds like your friend is at a different place than you are in terms of accepting her sexuality. You are comfortable with yourself and that is a wonderful accomplishment. But that comes to each person in its own time. There are no magical answers but my suggestion to you is that you begin to reach out to others, broaden your circle of friends and be open to new experiences. Now, I know that your heart may be telling you something different but it is obvious that you have alot of love to give and you deserve someone who is ready to return that love unconditionally. Talk to her. Let her know that you are having a difficult time with the fact that she is with you and also her boyfriend. But be ready for the fact that she may not be willing to change the situation. In which case it will leave you with a decision to make – continue as you have been or be friends only.
So, if you feel you are ready, see other friends, get involved in things you believe in and that you are passionate about, volunteer, throw yourself into your school work, be a support system for someone else that might be struggeling – all these things can help you heal and perhaps move on. I would like to suggest some web sites that you might find helpful: Trevor has its own social networking site at www.trevorspace.org. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have the same questions and experiences as you are having. Also on http://www.bisexual.org you will find alot of helpful information on bisexuality. I would also encourage you to see if there is a chapter of PFLAG close to you.
Remember our Lifeline is always available to you at 1-866-4UTrevor. Take care of yourself, Jazmyn, and know that you are loved.