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Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

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Best Friends

Question:

Hi, My name is Ross
About a year ago, in middle school, I met this girl and we became best friends. Along the way, I fell in love with her. That year I started identifying as a lesbian, and I came out to pretty much everyone. But during the summer, while that school year ended, I came to terms that I was actually transgender. I’ve told her the feeling I have, and she insists that she’s straight and she can’t date anyone of the same gender. I’m trying to explain to her that even though I’m different, I’m still male. I guess she doesn’t fully understand what being transgender means and she still thinks of me as a girl. We have a really strong relationship, and we tell each other everything. The feelings I have for her are more then just emotional feelings. I have sexual feelings for her, and I want us to be more intimate. It is a lot more than just a crush. But she doesn’t seem to care about me at all, and seems like she’s getting more distant and wanting to avoid me. It’s like she looks right past me and doesn’t even notice I’m there. It’s like I’m invisible and I’m not good enough. I don’t know if she just thinks I’m too different because I’m trans. Because I’m not a “real boy”. She supports me as a friend but i want to be more than that. I want hug her, and kiss her, and tell her how special she is to me. I want to be her superman. I’ve been in love with her for almost a year now. I just don’t know what else to do. I just don’t want to end up losing her. Please help.
-Ross

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Ross,

Thanks for writing to us. I commend you for reaching out and in your self-confidence to begin to understand your sexuality and gender identity. You have made a lot of progress with a topic many people struggle with. Such confidence will serve you well throughout your life. I understand your feelings for your friend. These feelings are common for everyone and it can be very difficult to love and not immediately have that love returned.

Nearly everyone has a time in their life when their love for another person is seemingly not returned. However, it sounds like your friend loves you, at the very least, as a very close friend. You should never lose sight of the meaning and value of that love. It is very important. It is very common for people to have strong emotional, even sexual feelings, for those they are close with. Perhaps, your friend already does or eventually will have those feelings for you. But not everything happens immediately. Sometimes that could take time – and it could also take time for her to better understand you as a boy. Remember, you have had years to understand and come to terms with your gender identity… it has probably been something you have thought a lot about. It may be new to her. It may take her time to understand. I hope that you allow her time and space. I would be cautious in being too strong in expressing your sexual feelings. That may come. Love for a good friend is not unique to the LGBT community. I would continue to invest in the friendship and not lose that. You would not want to lose her as a friend as well. If the circumstances are right, it may progress to something more.

Ross, I would continue to build and invest in the strong personal relationships you have in life. They will increasingly become important as you grow older. I think it also important to help others understand you for who you are. The below link has some information on transgender topics and includes references to other websites that you might find useful for yourself or to share with others.

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177

Thanks again for writing to us

Best,

Trevor