So I’m a young twenty-year old college student. Things have been going pretty well, except for knowing how to not get hurt by things I read or see on the internet. I consider myself pretty happy and out to some people including my parents but my next hurdle I need to over-come is this whole dating world. I would feel comfortable dating and going to gay clubs but due to my research, I have now developed a fear that a lot of people in the queer community are biphobic. Err I can’t help who I am and who I’m attracted to. After all I always thought it was a relatively normal thing. Except most view bisexuality as a fad, which really and truly upsets me. Oh how I wish I could overcome this!
Letter submitted by:
Hello! I’m glad that you decided to reach out for help. Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed by negative influences around us, we need someone to talk to in order for us to stay grounded. You are facing a myriad of challenging circumstances- from handling negative opinions of who you are, to dealing with the overwhelming uncertainty of the dating world. This is a lot to carry on your shoulders on top of the already heavy college workload. I admire your courage to face this and persevere!
I also admire you for already getting past the hurdle of understanding your sexuality. You show a clear sense of self-awareness. Even although society is growing increasingly tolerant of gays, its still hard adjusting to your sexuality. For some, it takes many, many years before they stop fighting who they are and come out of denial. You have come a long way at such a young age!
If there is only one thing you take away from this letter, please take away that your feelings of bisexuality are completely natural. You’re right, it is normal! Its not just “relatively” normal, its completely normal. In fact there have been theories that suggest that everyone fits on a “scale” of sexuality, 0 being completely straight and 6 being completely homosexual. It is totally ok to be attracted to both sexes, maybe one more than the other, or equally. Don’t let other people make you feel like you have to go one way or the other, or that you have to only share your feelings for one sex and not the other. People (even some gay people) who put down bisexuality are only ignorant. There are also undoubtedly people out there who say they are bisexual just to get attention, and unfortunately they give people like you who really are bisexual, a bad reputation.
Most of the things you mentioned in your letter, I strongly relate to personally. Sometimes its hard not to get wrapped up in the darker places of the internet where there is a lot of hatred or ignorance. Its easy to click on article after forum after youtube video that poses threatening opinions. Then you get angrier and angrier. But just know that the negative things you read on the internet about bisexuality come from a small percentage of people. Be careful not to say “most”people view bisexuality as a fad. That isn’t true, although it may seem like it. When you get too involved in these negative sources you’re finding, they seem bigger than they are, and you’re just stressing yourself out. It becomes almost an illusion because all you’re feeding your mind is this negative viewpoint, so it becomes your world. Its almost like brainwashing yourself. My advice to you is to find positive, bisexual-affirming websites like the following, and spend most of your time there. I would also advise that you join a bisexual thread on a forum like Empty Closets, where you can share your opinions and thoughts with likeminded and supportive people.
You could spend a lifetime fighting people who hold these opinions that its just a “fad.” There are just as many people who believe homosexuality in general is wrong. But there are also people who believe homosexuality is ok, and bisexuality is real and not a fad. Who will you choose to listen to? The important thing is what you believe about yourself, and making sure you have friends who support you as well.
Its true that there are gays in the community who hold negative opinions of bisexuality. You have my deepest sympathies, because its very sad. But there are also gays who shun more feminine gay men. There are also gays in the community who shun gays who are a certain ethnicity, or a certain body weight. I’ve experienced all this myself. Many people in the gay community face adversity in their own community one way or another. Unfortunately there is a lot of division in our community, when ideally we should all stick together. Its okay to be a little scared but don’t let it paralyze you from meeting others at a gay bar because remember- there are just as many queers who support bisexuals. I guarantee that as you meet more people in the gay community, you will be pleasantly surprised. Let them be your positive network of support, and let the nay-sayers be nay-sayers.
The dating world can seem terrifying. I didn’t start dating until I was 23 years old because I was so scared. But after I started dating, it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it was. Usually the first time you go out on a date, you’re really nervous. Then you’re slightly less nervous the second time you meet someone. Over time as you go on more dates, either with one person or different people if it doesn’t work out, it gets easier and easier, and you become less and less nervous. Then it becomes exciting to meet someone new. You will also learn that as you meet more people, you find out more about what you want in a mate and what you don’t want. Even the unsuccessful or awkward dates are valuable, because in order to know what works or what you like, you have to experience someone who doesn’t work for you, or who has traits you don’t like.
Try this dating website for meeting other bisexuals: BiCupid
I truly hope that this letter helps ease your mind, and that you have a little more confidence in getting out there and meeting people in the gay community. Remember that there are many people who understand you! Your feelings are normal and you are not alone. Please write to us again if you need more advice, or call our hotline if you need someone to talk to: 866-488-7386.