Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

Coming out as a gay Muslim.

Question:

All my life, I knew that there was something “odd” about me. Cliche way to start, I know. My parents never told me or my siblings about sex or anything of the sort. I didn’t even know about sexuality until I was 13 1/2, when a friend came out as bi. That night, I looked up bisexality on the internet and found a whole bunch of resources on gender and sexuality. I “discovered” I was a homosexual when I information about kids coming out and their stories. This began to scare me because I am a Muslim and I love my religion. My parents both come from very conservative Muslim countries where you could get killed for being gay.

Now let’s jump to the future:

My current boyfriend has pressured me into coming out to my parents.(It wasn’t a very good relationship) After I came out, he laughed in my face and walked away. Now my parents are pissed and I’m currently staying with one of my best friends. My parents have told family members currently in the US, but none over seas. I am terrified that they’ll tell family overseas. My brother has just started getting used to it, but refused to talk to me when it first happened. My little sister is okay with it and she tells me what’s going on with my parents. I want to talk to my parents about this, but I’m scared of what’ll happen. They won’t hurt or abuse me, but I don’t want to be cut off from everyone. I’m beginning to think that I am a bad Muslim and this happened for a reason. I wasn’t ready to come out, nor what I planning on it anytime soon. Are there any tips on how I can speak to my family?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Jamir,

I want to start off by saying you are not a bad Muslim You are who you are, your sexuality has nothing to do with your spirituality.  They  I’m really sorry that your boyfriend made you feel that you had to come out before you were ready.  Coming out is a personal choice and when and how it is done should be your choice.  u But now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak, you just have to move on. You need people in your life who are supportive of you.  It seems like you have that in the friends who you are staying with. I’m sure it was hurtful when your brother stopped talking with you at first, hopefully he will continue to come around. Its good to know you have your sister on your side and that you have someone you can talk to, so that you can keep in touch with your family. She may even be your greatest ally when it comes to talking with your parents.   Now that they have had time to digest the news, it might be easier to talk with them.  You may also want to consider if you find it easier to talk with one parent over the other.  Perhaps you are closer to your mom and you might want to try speaking with her alone first.

I know speaking with your parents, not knowing how they will react,  may be a scary thought.  But remember they are your parents and they do love you.  They just need time to understand.  I would suggest reading  http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/the-guide    And perhaps talk with some friends.  People who know you and your parents.

You can also visit TrevorChat - If you want to talk with a trained volunteer counselor online, at TrevorChat. It’s a free, confidential chat service and it;s available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

You may also want to visit Trevor Space https://www.trevorspace.org/   A great LGBT social networking site where youth can talk openly with one another.

Also Trevor’s hotline is always available should you ever need  us 1-866-488-7386

You are loved,

Trevor