Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Coming Out as FTM

Question:

Im ready to come out. I just can’t live as a girl anymore. But I don’t know how to come out, when I think about doing it, its not so bad, but everytime Im about to say it I just choke. I think Im going to go insane if I don’t start transitioning into being a boy. Im starting highschool next year so I think this summer is perfect to start getting ready and come into highschool as a boy. How should I do it? I came up with this idea of baking a cake and making it baby blue and writing “It’s a boy! ~Oliver” and then have a letter next to it coming out. Or is that a bad idea? Should I come out to friends first?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi there, Oliver!
I am so proud of you for having the courage to write to Ask Trevor. Dealing with these types of issues is never easy, but here you are. You are obviously a very intelligent young man. At this time in your life, everything is changing and it can be exciting and scary all at the same time. It can feel like an emotional roller coaster at times!
I am glad that you reached out for help on how to come out to your parents and friends. From your letter is sounds as if you have already decided to come out to them, you are just not sure how to go about it. You may, in fact, feel a little more comfortable speaking with your friends first. It may not be as scary for you and it will give you some practice for when and if you speak with your parents.
If you do decide to speak with your parents and explain how you feel, do it with no gimmicks. Just honest to goodness discussion. They will probably need time to digest what you tell them before they can try to accept it. What you need to do is let them know very clearly that you love them and that you are still their child; you are still the same person; you understand that what you’re saying is difficult to accept, but this is who you are and you do not want to feel shameful about it. Hopefully, your parents will try to understand how you are feeling.
Does your school have a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance)? A GSA is a great place to meet others that are both LGBTQ and allies.
I encourage you to check out some positive online and in person resources for help not only with your decision to come out to your family and friends, but also, as a source of information for your family if they chose to seek outside information. At http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/comingoutquestions you’ll find an article called “Coming Out to Your Parents: Questions to Think About”, which may be helpful to you. I encourage you to check out PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays); it’s a great organization that offers information online in terms of support groups, chat forums, and information for people to access if they want insight from other who are going through the same thing. It’s made up of mostly parents who want to help other parents figure out how to accept their children who come out to them as gay/transgendered. On their website click on “Get Support” then click on “For Family & Friends” where you’ll find the pamphlets like, “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People,” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People,” which you can share with your family members or friends to help them become more understanding. PFLAG also has local chapters so I encourage you to search for one that might be in your area because your family might benefit from being able to talk to other parents in person about their issues or concerns. If there is a chapter near you, you can reach out to the one closest to you for advice and suggestions.
If you have any more questions, we are always here for you. The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, TrevorChat, and TrevorSpace are also available to you for further support. TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org is the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 and their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about coming out as transgendered.

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