Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You are never alone. Thank you for reaching out to The Trevor Project for support!

Confidence

Question:

Dear Trevor,
I’ve taken the advice I got from my last letter and started talking to one of my straight male friends. He tells me no matter what or who I am he accepts me for me and that he is here for me whenever I need to talk. But before I can come out to him I just wanted to ask one last thing here. Inside I hear this little voice telling me I’m straight but than there’s this other voice covering that little voice asking all these questions.
A part of me knows or thinks I’m gay but than there’s this other part that is just unsure about everything. I’m thinking maybe it’s because I’m hanging around my guy friends and they’re just straight guys doing and saying straight things, but I get pretty uncomfortable when they talk and act like that.

It just feels like there is this part of me that wants to act straight, but it doesn’t feel like me acting gay has always felt like me. I’ve just been questioning myself a lot and I just want to know if I’m crazy or not.
Horrible way to the end the letter but I don’t want to be a bother- I know my letter doesn’t sound as major as other’s.

Answer:

Hey Victor,

First of all, we think it’s really great that you’re reaching out with these questions and especially that you’ve been able to talk to and find support in your friend. Having people you can talk to and people who support you is so important to your journey.

It’s important to remember that, while your journey is uniquely yours, there are a lot of people who have walked through similar issues and have gone on to live happy, productive lives. You asked in your letter whether questioning or being unsure about your sexual orientation meant you were crazy. It’s important to know that questioning or being unsure does not make you crazy. It’s totally normal! Many (if not almost all) people have questions about their sexuality. Many LGBT people feel uncomfortable or “out of place” around their straight friends or feel strange about labels like “gay,” “straight” or “bisexual.” You don’t have to adopt a label right now if you aren’t sure about your sexuality orientation. It’s OK to say “I am attracted to guys but am still questioning my sexual orientation.” It’s OK to identify as bisexual if you feel attracted to both men and women. Your sexual orientation is your own, and only you can decide where you fall on the spectrum.

It’s also important to know that there’s no way to really “act straight” or “act gay.” Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to or who you fall in love with, not how you speak or what you’re interested in. Society has created stereotypes for how straight or gay people act, but it’s OK to act however feels comfortable to you and adopt whatever label is you are comfortable with. You don’t have to act a certain way based on who you love or are attracted to.

And, as always, we are here for you if you need someone to speak to right away. Never hesitate to call the Trevor Lifeline.

Best,
Your Friends at Ask Trevor