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I’m confused. I have severe social anxiety so it’s really hard for me to talk about this. I’m a girl and I really haven’t had crushes on people and if someone asked me if I did, I would lie and name someone. I’ve had about three boyfriends and recently just broke up with one because I was questioning my sexuality. I’m not attracted to boys, I know that. I’m attracted to girls but I haven’t had a crush on one yet. As I said, I’ve never really liked someone. I’m scared that will never happen but I do want to be in a relationship. I’m scared.
Thank you so much for reaching out to AskTrevor! It took a lot of courage on your part to reach out to us this even though you’re scared. It makes sense that you’re scared—being confused about and questioning your sexuality can be a really scary thing. It can be even scarier if other people in your life ask you about who you have crushes on and you feel unsure how to answer because you’re not sure if you have a crush on anyone. I also imagine that breaking up with your last boyfriend because you weren’t sure about your sexuality made it even more important for you to try to figure out what to think of your sexuality. I understand how this might put a lot of pressure on you to try and figure out how to understand your sexuality. This is why I’m so glad you decided to reach out to us for help. I understand where you’re coming from and am so glad to be able to write back to you!
The process of understanding one’s sexuality can be a really scary and confusing thing. Coming to understand it is a process that sometimes takes a lot of time and effort. It’s so wonderful that you’re 16 and are already starting to try and figure this part of your identity out! I admire your strength. It seems like you’ve been able to figure out some things about your sexuality already—you said you know you’re not attracted to boys. It’s great that you realize this! You also mentioned that you’re attracted to girls but haven’t had a crush on one yet. It’s also great that you realize this! Your level of self-awareness is wonderful. I think this is something that will help you a lot as you continue exploring your sexuality.
Know that there is no rush when it comes to trying to figure out any part of your identity—especially your sexuality. Every person has a different story and this story will unfold in different ways that are completely unique to every person. That said, know that there is no right or wrong way to go about understanding any part of yourself. I completely understand how you are scared that you will never like someone—especially if your friends are liking people and ask you about your crushes. As I said earlier, though, every person is different and their stories unfold in different ways… so it is completely OK if right now you’re not sure what to think of your sexuality! I think it will become easier to do that over time as you have more experiences and meet other people. Also know that it is also completely OK if you feel like right now you don’t have crushes on anyone. There are a lot of other people in the world who have little or no sexual attraction to others. If you’re interested in learning more about this kind of identity, check out this website: asexuality.org/wiki. As you continue to develop an understanding of your sexuality I think the best thing you can do is to remain as honest with yourself and aware of your feelings as you already are. This way you’ll be able to remain aware of how you’re developing and will be able to get a clearer picture of who you’re attracted to and why.
I hope this letter has been helpful to you, Haley. I’m so glad you reached out to us. Know that we are here for you 24/7. If you ever want to talk to someone, feel free to call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. You would be able to talk to someone about anything you want in safe, confidential, non-judgmental setting. If you’d rather chat with someone online then know that TrevorChat is also there for you. You can find TrevorChat at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now.
Take care, Haley, and know that you are never alone.