Ask Trevor

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confused and scared

Question:

Hello I am a high school student in need of help. I have autistic abilities and mild Aspergers, and I’m 15. Lately, I have been more attracted to men of my age, I have consistently fantasized about relations with another male in life. I told mom about this and she put a gay label on me. I know I am bi curious, but I don’t know how to express my emotions for others. My friends understand and if I told my dad he would kill me. I’m not attracted to women anymore, and lately have been emotional about what to do. My friends don’t tell anyone else but if I told anyone else besides people I trust I will be ridiculed for life. I know mom loves me but she wants grandkids. She sees me in a different way, and I can’t find anyone else to express my feelings to. I’ve always hated labels and I’m open minded to relations and I’m not afraid to be gay, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

We’re so glad that you reached out to Ask Trevor and we also want to commend you for your courage in writing to us. It is very normal to feel confused about your sexual orientation and not want to be labeled as being one sexual orientation or another. It is also very normal to feel attracted to men and to women and there is no need to put a label on it, if you do not feel comfortable with that.

It sounds like there a several different things going on that you feel concerned and confused about. First, you state that if your dad found out about your sexual orientation, he would kill you. Your physical safety is our primary concern and we want to make sure you are not being threatened in any way. Are you afraid for your physical safety? Are you concerned that you would be kicked out of the house if you were to tell your dad about your attraction to men? Do you have a trusted adult that you can talk to about this? In trying to figure out who you want to talk to about this, it will be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place you can get to and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially. Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling unsupportive family members about their sexual orientation. If you feel now is the right time, that is absolutely fine. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.

It sounds like your mother has told you that she loves you, which is wonderful; however, your sexual orientation is not the deciding factor in whether or not she will have grandkids. People of all sexual orientations have children, and it is really up to you whether or not you would like to have children in the future.  It also sounds like your friends are supportive of you and that is fantastic. You say that you will be ridiculed for life if other people know about your sexual orientation.  Again, coming out to other people is a very personal decision, and we can’t tell you what to do and you need to keep your personal safety in the forefront. Please know that there are many many people in the world who will not ridicule you for who you love and are attracted to—they will love and support you for who you are. If you are looking for resources for how to talk to other people about your sexuality, you may want to check out the Human Rights Campaign’s “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out

Figuring out how to express your emotions for others can be tricky for a lot of people and especially for people living with autism and Asperger’s. You may want to check out http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/ as a resource to get support from other people who have Asperger’s and may have gone through similar troubles.

Finally, remember that the Trevor Project is always here for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Feel free to write again, log on to TrevorChat (as mentioned above), or call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 if you need any more advice or want to talk. You are not alone!

The Trevor Project

 

Trevor Staff