Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

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Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Confused, possible crush??

Question:

Hello, and thanks for having this website! It’s good to be able to finally talk freely.
I’m a middle school girl, and have been seriously confused about my sexuality recently. I thought, until the sixth grade, that I was certainly straight. I’ve always supported gay rights, but I never figured it would apply to me.
But now, it might. One of my best friends, “Alyssa”, has sort of changed things up in my mind. I believe she may have a crush on me- in fact, she said it was one of the reasons she broke up with her boyfriend. And I might have a crush on her too.
The thing is, though, how do I tell if it’s real? I have been working hard for gay rights among the students in my school (I live in SC), and have always discussed it with people. Is it possible that I could simply want to be part of this community I respect so much, for their strength? (And yes- I know how much they often suffer, and how shallow that would be for me)
It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I think I might be lesbian, not even bisexual. Boys are cool and all- but they Aren’t as enticing for me.
Also, with my family- they’ve always assumed I was straight, from me wanted the shirtless boy doll as a four year old. I know they would respect/support my decision, whatever it is, but I think they’d be a bit… Disappointed. (I am the only girl, with quite a few brothers).
Am I too young to be trying to figure this out? And what do I do?
Thank you!

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Ella,

Thank you for having the courage to tackle such a sensitive issue as sexuality, especially at your age, and then taking the extra step to reach out to us for support. This site, and others like it, is available for everyone who feels like she doesn’t have someone in her life to talk to and wants objective positive advice. It’s really good to hear this kind of feedback because it let’s us know that this site is important to a lot of people who many never get the chance to speak this candidly in a supportive environment. It’s clear from you’re letter that you’re smart, well adjusted, socially conscious, and self reflective. The good news is that you’re young so you have plenty of time before you have to seriously consider questions about your sexuality. Even though there are no easy answers to these questions, you are in the best position possible to honestly reflect on your feelings and figure out what your sexuality is.

The most important thing for you to take away is that sexuality is fluid, especially for girls and women. Your feelings, whatever they might be are valid and natural, whether you like girls today and then decide that you like boys tomorrow. At this time in your life you’re going through many changes physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Your peers probably don’t have nay more answers than you do even if they pretend like they have things figured out. You don’t have to be in a rush to label yourself; however, you should know about what it means to be LGBT. LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual. In trying to make sense of your emotions it will help to keep in mind that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic and physical feelings that culminate in attraction for people of the same gender (gay or lesbian), both genders (bisexual), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). You should also consider what your feelings have been for other people apart from your friend, i.e. have you had crushes primarily on men or women in the past, and, if you have, were your feelings more romantic or more physical.

For more information I encourage you to check out http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 . There you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” which may help you with your questions about your sexuality.” On http://www.bisexual.org you’ll find information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help.
You can also check out PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) ‘Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth’ at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf which might offer further insight as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out.”
In addition to seeking out information online, to the best of your ability, I encourage you to talk about your questions with someone that you trust whether it be a friend, a parent, a relative, a teacher or a school counselor. It will really help you going forward knowing that you have someone in your life who accepts you as you are, and wants only the best for you. For more resources on this site site you can check out Trevorspace  at www.trevorspace.org for support and help with your questions. It’s a great community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality and/or gender identity.” You can also call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR or chat with someone on TrevorChat. I hope this information helps. I wish you the best of luck going forward exploring your sexuality and with your efforts to progress equality for the LGBT community.

Trevor Staff