Hi, Trevor. I’m 20 yo this year. I have long debated between me and myself. I never have a boyfriend/girlfriend; since high school time, I always have more girlfriends than boys. I am more comfortable with the girls, but I used to like a man because he is very generous to me and very kind – he knew how to sweep me off my feet. But now that he’s gone, I barely feel anything to any man again. Some people might think I’m lesbian because they think I am too generous to girls. Because I do, I do think that women need to be protected. It’s killing me to see a girl who is brokenhearted by a man she adores. Somehow I feel the need to comfort her or make her safe, but sometimes I wish I could be the one to show her how she should be loved. I haven’t told anyone about this because of my country and religion, and I’m also afraid of people who might judge me. I haven’t even told my best friends, because I’m afraid of losing them if I told them. This is a small town after all. I don’t know if I’m lesbian or bi or straight; I need to talk to someone professional about this, and I think you can help me. Thanks!
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Dear Friend -
Thanks for writing to us – it takes a lot of courage to write down your thoughts like this. Dealing with one’s sexuality is an evolving process – something that everyone encounters at varying degrees throughout their life. The important thing to keep in mind is that 1) there’s nothing wrong with you and 2) the feelings you have are totally natural. I am sure there are many, many people in your country and religion (and even your small town) that have similar thoughts.
When trying to understand your sexuality, remember that your sexual orientation encompasses your physical, romantic, and emotional thoughts you have towards either men, woman, or both. It’s a natural part of growing up to determine this, and it’s okay if you don’t know all the answers quite yet. Just remember that you and you alone are entitled to make this decision for yourself. Have you thought about keeping a diary or record of your thoughts in a secure place? This way you can track your thoughts over time and see how you are progressing and managing these concerns.
There are many available resources that can be of assistance. TrevorSpace is an online resource you can use for LGBT and supportive youth age 13 – 24; it’s a safe space where you can reach out to other youth dealing with similar questions. It can be found at http://www.trevorspace.org/. Additionally, you can always continue to write to us at AskTrevor. It looks like your letter originated from Indonesia – if so you can also reach out to http://jakarta.angloinfo.com/information/family/lgbt/ where there are resources you can reach via phone.