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Crushing and Really Confused

Question:

I am really confused.
Ever since i was little, my dad forced me into sports, so i naturally developed into a tom boy. I really grew to love sports and embraced my tom boy tendencies. About 8th grade i started to enjoy fashion and became more girly and hated my tom boy appearance. Freshman year i became a mixture of both of those parts of me and started dating my first boy friend. The only thing we ever did was kiss. I am now 19, and have had a total of three boy friends. I have only had sex once, and i feel like it was just to get it over with. I have always been apprehensive about touching girls because i thought people would call me a lesbian. Some of my friends and i always joke that i am a lesbian sometimes too. Its not that i would be ashamed if i am, it just scares me a lot.
What i am really confused about currently is that i like two people right now. I have a HUGE crush on my 25 year old married with children boss. He is the only guy i have ever felt this way about. I just want to jump on him in the break room and have my way with him! As inappropriate as that sounds it is true and he flirts back, which is torture. The fact that he is the only man i have ever felt this way about and that he is completely unavailable is like a slap in the face. My other problem is that i also have feelings for this girl. I have had little crushes on girls before but not like this. I just want to grab her and start kissing her. This is really scary because i have never kissed a girl and i don’t think she is gay.
There is nothing i can do about the boss crush, so i will try and leave that alone but i want to explore my doubts about my sexuality with this girl. I know her from my best guy friend who is gay. She supports the LGBT community and is a Theater arts major. She is so pretty and is really fun to be around. I find my self purposefully moving closer to her when we hang out in a group. I have talked about this with my gay friend and he doesn’t know what to tell me because he is still in the closet. I don’t know what to do. She is a 19 year old virgin and has never had a boyfriend, which is also confusing. I want to tell her how i feel and kiss her, but i am afraid of two things. One, that she will reject me and two that she will tell other people. I am not sure that i am lesbian, bisexual or straight and i want to find out so i can be honest with myself, my friends and my family. What should i do??? It is disrupting my life and causing me a lot of stress.

Answer:

Hi Rachel,

First and foremost, thank you so very much for writing us! It takes a ton of courage to even question one’s sexuality, and the fact that you took it a step further and wrote us is a huge step in the right direction!
As for your confusion, it’s completely okay – expected even! “Questioning” is just as legitimate of a label (if you feel the need to use one), and ve…eery natural and normal. Furthermore, if you decide to identify as questioning now, you’re absolutely allowed to change your mind as you continue to grow up, discover more about yourself, and come to new realizations about your sexuality in the process. This is also totally normal and natural. No one can really know if you’re attracted to boys and/or girls but you, and all anyone can ask is that you allow yourself the time, space, and self-love to freely explore and accept your feelings – whether they relate to boys or girls or both– as they come about.

In regards to the questions about your two crushes, I completely agree; “married man” is indeed off limits. And as for the girl you mentioned, perhaps you can try out a friendship with her first. Then, you both can get comfortable and go from there.

It sounds like you’re being very brave about all of this, which is wonderful, and again, I admire you more than I can say for reaching out to us here at the Trevor Project. If you feel like you need someone else to talk to, I always recommend http://www.trevorspace.org, where you’ll find tons of other people your age going through very similar things. We really are all in this together, and we certainly have your back!

All the best,

- The Trevor Project