Hi Trevor Project,
Well I have been friends with my best friend “Jen” for many years, and we started dating for about 4 months. I have dated before but I “Jen” is my first girlfriend and in my previous relationships I didn’t feel complete in them. Well on Valentines Day, my girlfriend asked me if we could kiss. I said that we could but when she tried to kiss me, I avoided it. Some of it was because i was in a horrible mood and I was not feeling well. Well since then I have had the same incomplete feelings. I have been trying to forget the feelings but they keep creeping up on me. I can’t talk to my other friends because we are all very close and I am afraid that they will tell her. I am also afraid that if I tell her and then we break up that our long time friendship will be gone. Could you give me any advise?
Thanks for the letter and writing in to Ask Trevor! I am glad that you had the courage to reach out. Being in a relationship can be a very rewarding thing. However, it sounds as if something is missing — the feeling of being “incomplete”. The difficult task is figuring out what that missing thing may be. Not being able to forget this feeling may be the spark needed to begin the dialogue.
It is understandable that you do not feel ready to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. You may want to ask yourself why you feel incomplete so that you can verbalize and describe it to her better. What might also help is talking to someone that you trust. Sometimes just saying things out loud will help you see things in a different perspective. Since you feel that your friends may tell your girlfriend, is there someone else that you trust? Maybe a counselor or teacher? Otherwise, maybe you can ask yourself some questions? Is there anything in my life that is different? Is there anything that I am unhappy about? What makes me feel the most happy or complete? Start with these questions and build on them. Be honest with yourself and your answers. You may find that you feel incomplete in the relationship you are in, or you may find that these feelings may come from something else.
The great thing is that you seem very open and receptive to your feelings. Now it is just a matter of understanding where these feelings are coming from on a deeper level. Hopefully, once you have done this, you will be able to describe these feelings to your girlfriend in a way that will not affect your friendship or relationship negatively. Hopefully, understanding this feeling will also help you to understand what things make you feel complete (activities and/or people) and associate yourself with these things.
Best of luck and please write back in if you still feel like something is missing. Or with anything else for that matter – we’re always here to listen!
Ask Trevor Team