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After I came out to my mother, I went through a long period of emotional abuse. During this period, she told me that I wasn’t going to find anyone because no guy will ever love me, and that I’m ugly anyway. The issue is, that even though that was when I was thirteen to eighteen, I still can’t get myself to not believe the things she’s told me. I have severe clinical depression, and an anxiety disorder, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t see any world except being alone forever, and constantly blaming myself for me being single. My Mom told me, when I was diagnosed that nobody wants to be around someone with an emotional disorder… and I can’t help people knowing that I’m on meds, even if I don’t tell them what they are for, because I have to take them throughout the day. and I’m doing all I can in college to better myself and be who I am to find an foster friendships, but I still feel excluded and unwanted and uninvited to everything, being lowest priority even under newer, fresh friends…
I don’t know how to handle it…….. I feel so alone and unloved.
Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you have been through a lot and it is understandable that you have feelings of withdrawal and difficulty establishing strong relationships with others when someone close to you has been abusive. It is incredibly common to have lingering trauma even after a long period of time, and difficulty trusting others or believing that you will receive the unconditional love that you deserve in the future.
Whether emotional or physical, no one has the right to abuse you and cause you harm. You should feel extremely proud of yourself that you have persevered to get to college despite an abusive period. It is also great that you sought help and continue to do so to address your concerns. You have made it past the first step. Now that you’re in school, it can certainly be difficult to keep up with others in the social scene when you’re still trying to better yourself. Keep in mind though that there are others out there like you and there are resources that will always be there for you.
Consider reaching out to your school’s LGBT chapter. If your school does not have a LGBT chapter, consider reaching out to a regional LGBT community center close to you. You can find a local LGBT center through lgbtcenters.org through the following link: http://www.lgbtcenters.org/Centers/find-a-center.aspx. A community center or a local school chapter will not only have other people like you who will understand where you’re coming from, but they should also have dedicated resources that can be helpful. You should also think about things you like to do – and get involved in organizations around that activity. Often times there are LGBT groups that meet around a shared interest, which could be great for you as well. To find out about potential organizations, talk to your local community center. They often are well plugged into the local LGBT community. You will certainly find others that are not only like you, but have some of the same interests. These are just some of the ways to start meeting new people. Finally, The Trevor Project is always here for you if ever need anything, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You can always call 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386), or access TrevorChat or Trevor Space.