Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

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Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Friends and Puberty

Question:

Okay so I’ve known that I was trans since I was 3 and thought I was gay, but in a sense I knew I was trans.
Nowadays, I have a bunch of female friends and I act casual random (as we all are), but alongside their conversations about boyfriends, clothes and such I feel lonely. Whenever we have p.e. they change together and I change by myself wishing so much to be where they are. Plus females always have the countless patterned and fabricated clothing and guys only have plain tees or stripes. I don’t dress like a trans. In fact. I do get some positive responses from people passing by around school sometimes when I wear a nice red cardigan with a graphic tee and skinny jeans.
I always hear how much my friends think a guy is leading them on. I give them accurate advice and they dramatically thank me and I wish them luck. But usually what I think of is how similar I am to those friends and yet I don’t get similar attention. These friends have the loveable personality and so forth while I have a female face and body structure.
I have associated myself as a girl in child play because that way I kept my fantasy and played it the way I wanted. In some ways I feel like I should have been a girl as the sibling pattern in my family is girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, boy-me ruining the pattern.
I always find myself jealous of my friends -every day actually. When I was younger I had guy friends and liked them too. Again, I was aware that I wanted to be a girl but I tried to be guy-ish. I was always close to girls, by the way. As I love everything to do with them, even if they can be annoying sometimes. Nowadays, I have realized many things about guys that I don’t want to endure such as voice deepening, etc and that guys in general are very similar in many ways that I don’t want to associate myself with. But I love to hate them somehow.
Can you help me with resolving my puberty cycle, specifically as I fear that I won’t ever want to speak or grow in height again. As I young child I never really thought of gender/puberty. I thought that I would look and talk like a girl and marry with no problems. Please help me with my predicament!

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

I am impressed with your letter to the Trevor Project and the way you approach getting help with this issue which is clearly very troubling to you. You show great maturity and great resolve to get help and figure out the best course of action. It can be very hard to struggle with feelings of being different in our society and that is especially hard when you are going through puberty. The great news is that you are not alone and there are many resources available for you. There are many folks going through similar feelings and issues. While it can be a struggle, there are many folks that are successfully navigating their way through these challenges.

There are some great resources in the Los Angeles area where you can get help in figuring out what to do. It is important to realize that gender does not have to be either/or. Just like sexual attraction there is a continuum of feelings. Some folks do feel 100% male or female but it is also possible to feel 70 % female and 30 % male or vice versa. Some people who are trans decide to get hormone treatment, others get surgery and still others decide not to use either of these options.  To help figure out what is best for you I highly recommend discussing your situation with a counselor who works frequently with transgender youth.

The following website is for the Transgender Health Care at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center:

http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_Transgender_Health_Care

You can also reach them by phone at 323-993-7518 or send an e-mail to healthservices@lagaycenter.org

You can go to the following website for information about a variety of resources for transgendered folk in the LA area:

http://www.tsroadmap.com/los-angeles/

If you have a trusted family member or older friend that you can talk with about this situation, that person may be able to help you get connected to these resources. You can also consider talking with a school counselor. We at the Trevor Project also want you to know we are always here for you. You can go to the get help web page for The Trevor project to connect with counselors online at  Trevor Chat, to connect with peers on Trevor space and of course if you are in crisis you can call us 7 days a week 24 hours a day at 1-866-488-7386. The get help webpage is here: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/get-help

Best of luck to you.

Trevor Staff