Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Help me

Question:

Hello there, I am Jess. Everything around me seems to be coming apart at the seams. I am bisexual. But most if the time I feel uncomfortable in my own body. My parents are really unsupportive in my life and as I write this I am hurrying so I won’t get in trouble. I have a really bad anxiety problem. And this makes my life really complicated because i can’t face my fears the way I want to. I have friends who are there but somehow i manage to push them off. I am living in a sense of insecurity and hate for myself because I feel like i am lying to everyone i actually care about, about who i am. I really don’t want to fuck things up with my close friends because i have never actually had anyone that has stood by my side and held my hand all the way. If there’s anyone out there that can help me, let me know. I need you right now. Help me.

Submitted by

Answer:

Jess,

I am proud of you for having the courage to ask for help and write to AskTrevor. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time right now. You are feeling uncomfortable in your own body and feel that your parents are not supportive, and have problems with anxiety. You mention that you have friends who are there for you, but you are pushing them away and then are feeling bad about yourself since you feel that you are lying to them about who you really are. That sure is a lot to deal with.

It sounds like you may have depression. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep and eat much less or much more than usual, and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. On www.us.reachout.com you’ll find facts about depression by clicking on ‘struggles with feelings.’ Please know that there is treatment for depression including medication and/or therapy. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through.

Now, I can’t quite tell whether you have talked about being bisexual with your friends or not. Based on what you said about how it feels like you are lying to everyone you care about, I’m assuming that you have not come out to them. It is totally your decision whether to do so, and what’s most important is that you’re safe and comfortable. Some good things about coming out is that it can let people in your life know about an important part of your life, it can help you to feel less alone, meet new friends as well as possibly meet people to date. In trying to figure out whether or not to come out, it can help to ask yourself some questions including: What does it feel like keeping this part of your life a secret? Does it cause you a lot of stress worrying about them finding out? Are you worried that if you told your family or your friends, you’d be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you told your parents, are you concerned that they might kick you out of the house? If you decided to tell them and they did kick you out, it would be important to have a safety plan, meaning a safe place where you could live and continue to go to school and a way to support yourself financially. Some people decide to wait until they are living away from home and are financially independent before telling members of their family about their sexual orientation/gender identity. If you feel now is the right time, that’s absolutely fine. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.

Please remember that the Trevor Project is always here for you.  There is the Trevor Lifeline available 24/7 at 866-4-U-TREVOR. We also have TrevorChat 3 days a week and TrevorSpace.org which is an online social network for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24 where you can talk to others who are going through similar types of things. You are not alone!