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Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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How to tell Someone your not interested in their gender?

Question:

I think Im a Lesbian… I have never actually said that but ever since I can remember I have question wether I was a lesbian/bi/straight. I just moved to a new city to go to college. I have been here for 3 months. A sweet boy asked me out and I said yes. We went out for coffee and walked around and he kept kissing me. This was the first date I have ever really been on and my first kiss(es) I don’t know if I’m just not attracted to him or guys in general or maybe just all the kissing bla… I don’t know how to tell him this. I mean he’s nice and all and I don’t want to hurt him. And what if I’m not a lesbian and I call it off after one date and date a girl and I dont like it either. Im so confused all I can think about is his face next to mine and it makes me want to cry its so awkward and its not like we made out or anything but just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. If I am a lesbian where do I even go about meeting people. How do you have sex? If it took me this long to go on a date with a guy, how long will it take to find a girl? Why does this have to be so hard?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hello there,

First of all, I want you to know that questioning sexual orientation and/or gender identity is very natural and that being LGBT is natural and normal. Though it may feel like it took you a long time to go on your first date, don’t feel like you are on a schedule to figure out who you are and what you want; there is no hurry to find all the answers to the questions. And, when you are ready, you will get it all figured out, though I know it can be hard in the mean time.

It sounds like this boy you went on a date with doesn’t make you feel comfortable at all, so listen to those feelings. There is nothing wrong with telling him you are not interested in him romantically, and you can leave your explanation at that. Whether you are interested in men, women, or both, whoever you are with should make you feel comfortable, regardless of your sexual orientation. It is normal to tell someone you are not interested in dating them if you don’t want to, and this is an experience everybody has, regardless of their sexual orientation. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. The more dating experiences you have, like maybe kissing girls, you will find what feels right to you over time.

Do you have a friend, parent, relative, teacher or school counselor that you could talk to? This might also help you start to feel more confident. Since you just started college in a new city, this can be a great opportunity, as many colleges have LGBT organizations that can be a safe place for you to go to ask questions and meet new people, even other girls with dating potential. It also might also help to do a little reading. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177  you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” which may help you with your questions about your sexuality. I would also suggest checking out Trevorspace at www.trevorspace.org. This is the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality/gender identity.

Please know you are not alone. If you ever need anything, we are always here for you at the Trevor Project, with AskTrevor here, the Trevor Lifeline, Trevor Chat and Trevor Space.

Best,

Trevor Staff