Hi my name is Brandon and it took me a lot to write this. For about 5 I have known I was gay. I mean when my friends where telling me which girl they got a Valentine’s card for I was in the back making one for a boy. I know suicide is a scary topic for most kids my age but I have been having these feelings everyday now. I am to Afraid to tell anyone. It feels like people see my cuts but not my pain they see me cry but not how much I hurt on the inside. My parents taught me to not judge a book by its cover but yet a gay couple walks by and they have a nasty look on their face. That’s how I think they’re going to treat me. I have no friends right now and they don’t know that. I have been thinking about this very scary topic (suicide) for almost four weeks now. Many people know I am gay so they hit me in my penis and say I won’t need it for kids any time in my life. On Friday a boy came up to me with six others and beat me up. Out of those seven people one came up and said he was sorry and he was trying to be cool. To me, when I look at straight kids they all seem happy and as if they are loved and I am none of those. I have cut many times and one time I cut too deep and I lost a lot of blood. I told my parents two days after the cut was made they took me to the hospital and asked me how this happens. I told them I fell on a nail. After that I started thinking why I cut so I put anything that could hurt me in a safe. I now always keep a rope tied in my closet with my head size and it is hanging their everyday. At school on Valentine’s Day I built up the courage to give my love a card and candy I walked up ten minutes later and got my leg broken by him I didn’t tell for a week. I have lived my life scared I was raped when I was eight. I want help. I know I wasted my time and now I seek help.
You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to reach out and share your story. Being proactive is not always easy and proves that you are strong. It must be really hard to feel like no one understands what is really going on in the inside. People hurting you because you are yourself is not OK. You do not deserve to be treated that way and we are truly sorry you have had to deal with this.
Thinking about suicide and having things you might use is a very serious thing. If you are thinking of suicide, please, please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Also, please consider reaching out to someone you trust, to share these feelings with, preferably an adult like a teacher, family member (assuming it is safe), neighbor, or school counselor. You said you were ready for help and you deserve it.
Being raped at such a young age is unspeakable and incredibly unfair. You do deserve additional support and the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Nation Network (RAINN) is a good place to start. You can find them here: http://www.rainn.org/ .
You have been through a lot and are struggled with pain, fear, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe it would be a good idea to get professional help. It could be helpful to find a mental health professional that would understand: http://www.glbtnearme.org/ can be used to find gay-affirming therapists in your area.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about coming to terms with your identity or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace ishttp://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people onhttp://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 .
You mentioned that you self harm which can be a way to deal with feeling scared and in pain, but it is important to think about some of the consequences. It can lead to infections, accidents, and permanent scarring. Checking these sites out can be helpful: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm and http://www.selfinjury.com/.
Please consider going to an emergency room if you are thinking of suicide or at least giving our 24/7 Lifeline a call. You have clearly been through a lot and deserve additional support. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone. It is worth it – things sound really tough now, but suicide can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out for more support.