Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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I am so confused

Question:

I am so confused… I’ve known from a young age that I’ve been attracted to women and girls but never to what extent. I’ve started coming out as bisexual since last august and people have been taking it pretty well. Most of my friends and my mom know. I’m not worried about coming out, but I am worried about my orientation. I feel like it’s kind of wrong or weird to be bisexual and that if I ever decided to be with a man that I would kind of be cheating on him since I liked women and vice versa. I so badly want to be on either one side of the spectrum and I definitely prefer girls but at the same time I can’t completely say that I have no attraction to males whatsoever. I’ve kissed and gone out with two guys, and I really enjoyed one of the relationships and kissing him but not the other. I’ve never had a girlfriend but have messed around with some friends and liked it much more. I just want to start coming out as a lesbian but I feel like if I decide to do that now I’ll regret it later and want a boyfriend. I just want to be out of the closet as a lesbian, as ME but I can’t with these hindering feelings of males still clinging on me. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much, I can honestly say that this website has helped save my life.

Submitted by

Answer:

Hello!

Thank you for writing. Sexuality can be confusing at its best, and so feeling torn is completely understandable, especially when there is a lot of social pressure to identify in a specific way. It’s great that your friends and mother have taken your coming out well! More importantly, it’s good that you are taking the time to think about how you truly feel and how you want to identify. Being able to examine yourself to try to understand what you truly want, and to be honest with yourself is difficult, so you should be very proud.

That being said, as you’re thinking about these things, keep in mind that sexuality doesn’t always fit into an easy category; it’s fluid. A bisexual is an individual who loves both women and men, but it doesn’t necessarily mean being attracted to both genders equally. It sounds like you have found that you do feel more strongly about women than men, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t a couple guys out there who just sweep you off your feet—and that’s okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to both genders. What’s important is that your feelings for that person are genuine, and that you are both getting what you need from the relationship. Regarding feeling like you’re cheating, that may be a conversation that you can have with your partner when you feel comfortable. However, being attracted to both genders is not wrong, and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t committed in your relationship. After all, being attracted to men doesn’t mean that you would constantly be looking at men other than your boyfriend, or vice versa. It might help to think about liking the person rather than a gender; what about the person do you like? Do they make you laugh, or make you happy? Do you like the color of their eyes? It may be that you gradually find that girls have more of the traits that you find attractive, but if that’s not the case, that’s okay too. There’s no deadline for discovering your sexuality.

On http://www.bisexual.org  you can find a lot of helpful resources regarding bisexuality. If you click on resources, and then bisexuality-general information, there is a link to Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG, which might also be helpful for you to look at. It might also help to take a look at their brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 .  I would also encourage you to talk these feelings over with someone you trust – a friend, your mother, a counselor, etc. If you’d like to explore other options, Trevor Chat (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat) is a free, online, confidential live chat where people can answer your questions. Finally, Trevor Space is a social networking site you can join and relate to others (trevorspace.org).  If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact us! Wherever your feelings take you, you have our love and support.

Love,

Trevor