Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You are never alone. Thank you for reaching out to The Trevor Project for support!

I can’t trust anyone but I need to

Question:

I want to tell my friend that I think I’m bisexual. She came out to me a couple months ago and I was gonna tell her about me before she told me about her but stuff came up and I missed my chance. Now I’m afraid to tell her because I don’t want her thinking I’m just saying it “for attention”. And with my parents thinking anyone who isn’t straight is “wrong” doesn’t help. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone but I need to get this off my chest. Writing in my journal can only do so much.

Original poster

Answer:

Thank you for your courage and honesty in reaching out to ‘Ask Trevor’. Dealing with feelings inside of yourself like sexual identity can feel like a daunting and confusing task, to say nothing of the uncertainty of what other people – your friend or your parents – may or may not think about it. I want to commend you on your strength and fortitude in coming to terms with this issue. You are a hero, never forget that!

You bring up concerns about your sexual identity and the fact that your friend recently came out to you. You don’t want to seem like you are coming out ‘for attention’ or  just because she did. Just remember…sexual identity (“Am I gay? Am I bisexual?”) is not something anyone can just quickly arrive at a decision about. In other words, it’s not a race…I’d encourage you to slow down and really take as much time as you are comfortable with or need to think about your sexual identity. Coming out is not about who announces it first or an act of defiance against what your parents may think about “right or wrong”, it is about YOUR COMFORT and YOUR SAFETY. You’re right, some people don’t share the same opinion of sexuality other than straight, and so coming out should be about how you truly feel and your safety.

Ask yourself the following – When you have sexual feelings or fantasize about sex, dating, or relationships, WHICH gender do you see yourself with? Men? Women? When you look at your parents’ relationship, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with a man or a woman? And if the answer is both equally, then bisexuality could be a distinct possibility. So take the time to explore this or even have discussion with your friend about how she finally decided to come out. Who knows…this common bonding and talk may lead you to your answers and sharing your identity with your equally brave friend.

Speaking of talking and discussing, go to www.trevorspace.org, an online and SAFE social networking site where you can connect, talk, and discuss these issues with others in a similar place (or make new friends!). I’ll also encourage you to check out www.bisexual.org, a great website where if you click on “resources”, then “bisexuality-general information”, you get “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” with awesome information. And don’t forget The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR and TrevorChat. I hope this helps!

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