Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

I can’t trust anyone but I need to

Question:

I want to tell my friend that I think I’m bisexual. She came out to me a couple months ago and I was gonna tell her about me before she told me about her but stuff came up and I missed my chance. Now I’m afraid to tell her because I don’t want her thinking I’m just saying it “for attention”. And with my parents thinking anyone who isn’t straight is “wrong” doesn’t help. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone but I need to get this off my chest. Writing in my journal can only do so much.

Original poster

Answer:

Thank you for your courage and honesty in reaching out to ‘Ask Trevor’. Dealing with feelings inside of yourself like sexual identity can feel like a daunting and confusing task, to say nothing of the uncertainty of what other people – your friend or your parents – may or may not think about it. I want to commend you on your strength and fortitude in coming to terms with this issue. You are a hero, never forget that!

You bring up concerns about your sexual identity and the fact that your friend recently came out to you. You don’t want to seem like you are coming out ‘for attention’ or  just because she did. Just remember…sexual identity (“Am I gay? Am I bisexual?”) is not something anyone can just quickly arrive at a decision about. In other words, it’s not a race…I’d encourage you to slow down and really take as much time as you are comfortable with or need to think about your sexual identity. Coming out is not about who announces it first or an act of defiance against what your parents may think about “right or wrong”, it is about YOUR COMFORT and YOUR SAFETY. You’re right, some people don’t share the same opinion of sexuality other than straight, and so coming out should be about how you truly feel and your safety.

Ask yourself the following – When you have sexual feelings or fantasize about sex, dating, or relationships, WHICH gender do you see yourself with? Men? Women? When you look at your parents’ relationship, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with a man or a woman? And if the answer is both equally, then bisexuality could be a distinct possibility. So take the time to explore this or even have discussion with your friend about how she finally decided to come out. Who knows…this common bonding and talk may lead you to your answers and sharing your identity with your equally brave friend.

Speaking of talking and discussing, go to www.trevorspace.org, an online and SAFE social networking site where you can connect, talk, and discuss these issues with others in a similar place (or make new friends!). I’ll also encourage you to check out www.bisexual.org, a great website where if you click on “resources”, then “bisexuality-general information”, you get “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” with awesome information. And don’t forget The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR and TrevorChat. I hope this helps!

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