I have been raped and molested all throughout my life. I live with someone who molested me. I have been jumped 2 times for being gay. I have been persecuted, damned, and ran off by dozens of churches. Friends turn on me, my families love is conditional, and worst of all is… I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. I just am tired of hurting, tired of crying, and tired of feeling hopeless. Is this life really worth it?
First of all, you should be so proud of yourself for reaching out for support. Being proactive takes courage and is a step in the right direction. It sounds like you have been through a lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. No one should have to deal with the things you have had to go through, but it is clear that you are very strong nevertheless.
Anyone would feel tired and hopeless after all that you have been though. If you are thinking of suicide, please, please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Also, please consider reaching out to someone you trust, to share these feelings with, preferably an adult like a teacher, family member (assuming it is safe), neighbor, or school counselor. You deserve it.
Having been the victim of abuse, and for so long, would be very hard for anyone to deal with. You did not deserve it and it is not your fault. However, you do deserve additional support and the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Nation Network (RAINN) is a good place to start. You can find them here: http://www.rainn.org/ . You mentioned that you are still living with someone who molested you and that does not seem like a safe place to be. Please think about finding somewhere safe to stay, whether at a friend’s or relative’s place.
It could not be more normal to question your faith after all of this happened. Do know that there are groups out there that support LGBTQ peoples and their faith in God. One example is: http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/find_a_church.htm . You know your situation best, but sometimes faith can help in these difficult times.
All of this becomes much more difficult when you lack support from people like your family. PFLAG, http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2 can help you help your parents understand where you are and what you are going through. Moreover, they can be helpful when it comes to finding a safe place and support to avoid physical violence based on your sexuality.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about coming to terms with your identity or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace is http://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people onhttp://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 .
Please consider going to an emergency room if you are thinking of suicide or at least giving our 24/7 Lifeline a call. You have clearly been through a lot and deserve additional support. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone. It is worth it – things sound really tough now, but suicide can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out for more support.