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Hi, my name is Devin, I am 19 and honestly trying to explain this is making my head hurt. But I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so here it goes. Ever since I was 13 or so I knew I was into girls, but it wasn’t until I turned 15 that I actually came out to most of my friends and family. Some friends were okay with it others were not. My immediate family were fine with it but, my problem is this, I started talking to this guy who shall remain nameless. He is one of my best friends. What I am getting at here is that even though I say I’m not, some very small part of me is actually ashamed, I know I shouldn’t be, but now I’m actually considering trying to go out with a guy just because it might make things easier than trying to be who I actually am. I never wanted to be the kind of person who was ashamed of who I turned out to be, but I have so many issues with myself, like I have tried being who I actually am for almost 5 years now and in doing so I have been alone all the time. I feel like I am suffocating and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I don’t want to be ashamed and I want to remain true to myself but how can I do that knowing that I’ll always be alone? Please try to help me understand this? I just don’t know anything anymore…
Thank you so much for writing to us. It takes a lot of courage to write down your thoughts about what you are going through right now. Dealing with one’s sexuality is an evolving process, something that everyone encounters at varying degrees throughout their life. The important thing to remember is that there is nothing to be ashamed about regarding any decision you may make regarding your sexuality or your relationships.
It’s great that you have been able to be open with your family and friends regarding your sexuality. It sounds like they could be a great source of support for you as you have come to understand your sexuality. Regarding the potential relationship with your best friend to “make things easier,” I just want to let you know that you are not alone with the feelings and emotions you may have and I guarantee some of your peers feel the same way. While it may be tough to figure out why they are, a good place to start could actually be Trevor Space (trevorspace.org). It is run by the Trevor Project and designed as a safe and easy place for LGBTQ youth to meet and talk; it might be a good place for you to meet people your age going through a similar situation.
Devin, I wish you the best but know that we are always here in the event you wanted to talk some more. You can send another note or if you want to speak with one of our great counselors, our Lifeline is available anytime 24/7 at 1-866-4-U-Trevor.
Always with love,