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Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

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I don’t know how to figure out if I’m a lesbian or not!

Question:

Hi Trevor, I’m 13 and I need help, I don’t really know if I’m a lesbian or not, but I need your help! I’ve gone out with so many guys, yet none of them ever make me happy! But when I look at a girl, I just want to kiss her! It’s embarrassing, but I know that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it! I just don’t know what to do! If I told my friends, it would spread like wild fire in School, and we don’t have any other Lesbian’s in out School that I know of! I don’t even know if I am a lesbian, but I want to figure it out, but how do I figure such a thing out?

Answer:

 

Hi Faith,

We’re glad you reached out to us about your confusion. Certainly it took a lot of courage to write us and bare your feelings, and for that you can feel good about yourself. It’s understandably a tough age to be, as you’re trying to cope with feelings you never felt before. And agreed, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your feelings, because what you are feeling is totally normal, and natural for you. It’s who you are. And odds are that you’re probably not alone in your school, as it seems like every class and grade eventually has some gay/lesbian kids in it. Everybody discovers their sexuality at their own pace, and some don’t figure themselves out until much later. So even if they already know, they have yet to come out.

A person’s sexuality involves emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It may help for you to think about whom you have crushes on and about whom you fantasize about being with girls, boys, or both. To help you figure it out, you may find it helpful to read some reference material that we have on our website at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/YOU where you can find various questions you can ask yourself. After all, only you can determine what you are feeling.

And what you tell anyone, if at all, or even when, should be your decision. Obviously you realize the possible risks in that, and your safety and comfort is the most important thing to consider. But that’s probably something you can put off until you are more assured in your sexual identity. Keep in mind that you can also find an accepting community through TrevorSpace, The Trevor Project’s social network. There is also always someone to offer you advice, either through our online chat service TrevorChat, located at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat , or through our lifeline, which you can reach by calling 1-866-488-7386.

Do write again, as we love hearing from you.

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