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Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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I don’t know if I’m bisexual or a lesbian

Question:

I’m really confused about my sexuality. I came out as bisexual a few months ago, but it seems like I just woke up one day and the idea of being with a guy disgusted me. All the guys I had had a minor crush on, those feelings suddenly went away, and I was with a guy, but one day I just sat by him on the bus and I knew it didn’t feel right. I have liked guys in the past, and I came to terms with liking girls, but suddenly it seems I can’t see myself being with a guy anymore. Is this just a phase, or what? I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s really stressing me out.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Trevor Staff

Hello,

Thank you for your letter. I wanted to start off by saying that it is SO brave of you to reach out to AskTrevor to ask your question. Many people would be too fearful to articulate their feelings in the way that you did – you should be proud of yourself! Though it may sometimes seem that you are the only one feeling this way, you are not and I do not want you to feel alone because many others are also confused about their sexuality, and this is perfectly normal and healthy.

I am also glad that you are in an environment in which you felt safe and comfortable to come out as bisexual. I know that you are currently questioning whether you are bisexual or a lesbian, and I encourage you to keep exploring your sexuality and your attractions. You mentioned that you had several crushes on guys, and that those feelings disappeared and that sometimes being with a guy didn’t feel right. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right! If you are only attracted to females and being with other girls is the only thing that feels right to you right now, then you may be a lesbian and that is perfectly natural. However, if you do experience attractions to men again at some point in the future and you want to explore them – you definitely should and do not hold yourself back because being bisexual is just as natural! Don’t let yourself be too consumed with labels and always do what feels right to you. Many people may feel confused for a while in their lives and want to test the waters – exploring feelings for either men and women – and there is nothing wrong with that. Some resources that you might consider helpful are http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/BisexualityResourcePacket.pdf as well as http://www.equalityiowa.org since I see you are located in Iowa. You might be able to find support groups close to your home and more people you can confide in and exchange thoughts and feelings which is always healthy and important.

Always remember, The Trevor Project Community is here for you. If you are ever feeling like you are going through a rough time and need an immediate response, call the lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. Also consider joining TrevorSpace (trevorspace.org), a safe place for LGBTQ youth and their allies (13-24) to communicate and make friends. Please never be afraid to reach out!

All the best,

AskTrevor

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