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To be honest, I’m not sure on what to really say, or how to start off. In all honesty I’m, just really confused about everything… I’ve been questioning myself now for what seems to be years, and I’m not entirely sure on what I am. Ever since I was younger I knew I wasn’t the same as the other kids, well females my age. Yeah I dressed, and my mom bought me dolls… but I never really enjoyed them. I always wanted to play with action figures, play video games, or have a dirt bike. I wanted to hang with the guys, even wanted to wear clothing like them. I mean yeah I’m attracted to guys, but I’m also attracted to girls… Though even to this day I’ll still love to dress more like a guy then I do a female, I feel… like I’m more myself then I am when I’m dressing like a female. Though I’m afraid, afraid that if I find out what I could be… who I really am… and my family knows… I won’t be accepted. I’m more scared then anything, and it’s been eating at me for years… I’ve watched any were from lesbian, to transgender coming out… and so much of it just fits me.. but at the same time part of me doesn’t want to believe any of it. I still rather go out and have a good time… but I feel like I’m lieing to everyone. Every time I dress up, and put on make up… every time I grow my hair out long… and wear these really girly things…. It just doesn’t feel like me. I put on a smile still… and I come home to lock myself in my room. It just.. doesn’t seem right. Sometimes I wish I was half the person that my friend had been. He was a transgender, and would wear dresses all the time… he was a beautiful person inside and out. Though I don’t know if I ever could have the courage he had. I’m all confused, and I don’t know what I am… I don’t know what to make of myself…. I’m always depressed, and I can say that I’ve made myself sick over things… I wish I could share more …. but there is just way to much for me to just write…
Thank you so much for reaching out to us! You said you wish you had the courage your friend has, however, reaching out to us takes courage! It’s a very brave and strong step to take especially when you’re not sure how you feel about everything.
What you are feeling is very natural as you grow into the adult that you want to be. Many people feel that they have to represent the gender they were born into a certain way, like certain people, and behave in a certain way. However, just like when you were growing up and may have thought you wanted to be a doctor but as you grew, those feelings changed, that may be the same thing that’s happening with your gender expression and maybe your gender identity which is great!
No one can decide how you identify except for you. Whether you feel comfortable identifying as being attracted to female identified people, being attracted to male identified people, being attracted transgender or transsexual people, or all of the above is a decision only you can make, but please know that however you identify, that is okay! Same goes for your own gender expression; there is a diverse spectrum of gender identities and gender expression that can be very fluid for some people. Some people may feel they were born one sex, but identify with the opposite sex. Others might just feel boxed in by labels and others might feel connected to identities outside of the male/female binary. The first thing is to feel safe and comfortable and supported within yourself and your community. Everyone deserves the right to make choices about their own bodies and gender, but you can ensure to explore when you feel safe both coming out and your gender identity. You might be able to reach out to your Transgender friend who could be a great resource for you to talk through some of the feelings you have. The Trevor Project has come out with a new brochure, “Coming Out as YOU!” which might be very useful to help you organize your thoughts around what you are feeling: http://s.bsd.net/trevor/default/page/file/a84184c56d0fb6f6c1_gj5m69v9p.pdf
Most importantly, know that you don’t have to come out until you are ready. This means to your friends, family, or anyone else. It’s important to feel comfortable and safe about where you are in your process of discovering who you are! Also, please know that you are not alone; here at the Trevor Project we have many ways for you to connect to people and talk through your feelings. With TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org) you will be able to social network with other LGBTQ youth ages 13-24 and find the support and community you need. With TrevorChat you can instantly and confidentially message a Trevor Counselor and talk through thoughts. With TrevorText, you can text a trained specialist to get live help every Friday from 1pm-5pm (PST)! And lastly, don’t forget we are available 24hours a day, 7 days a week on the Trevor Lifeline 1(866)488-7386, please don’t hesitate to call if you need to talk to someone.
Thank you again for being so courageous and reaching out to us,