Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

I don’t like the feeling of a barrier between the people that i love and me


So, I have this guy friend who I really like. He’s my really good friend and we always flirt. At the same time I have been juggling with the question that I might be bisexual. The thing that makes it really hard for me is I go through phases and moments where I really feel attracted to girls and others where I don’t at all. Like the other night, I went out skating with a friend and she was holding my hand because she wasn’t as good at it as I was. People were looking at us like they thought we were a couple (which we are NOT) and it kind of felt good to be able to imagine what it would be like if we were. Not to mention she is really beautiful. I felt like if this were real, I would be really happy and ok with it.

Also, I’ve always said I am never getting married and I don’t know if that’s is because I cant really see my self growing up to be with a guy forever.

I really want to ask at least one of my friends what they would think if I was theoretically bisexual. My close friends have all said they would be really cool with it if one of us was but they might not be as accepting if it was real, but i feel like that would make it really obvious and I don’t want anyone to find out. Not to be offensive, but I’m not one of those people who is really open about that kind of thing. I’m just generally, completely confused. I feel like by not telling anybody who knows me, I am lying about who I am to them and when someone jokingly asks “are you gay?” , when I say no way, I am a big fat liar.

I don’t want my friends to get mad at me for deceiving them, especially if they are not ok with it, like I was a horrible person to get so close to them.

Please don’t say just not to think about it because I’m young and I don’t have to yet, because I cant stop thinking about it! When I am close friends with someone, I don’t want to only put forth half of myself when they are putting in 100%.

I don’t like the feeling of a barrier between the people that I love and me


Letter submitted by:


Hi Jen;

Your letter is a wonderful and courageous step, asking for advice and reaching out is not always easy. I know that you are questioning whether you may be bisexual and how it might affect your relationships with your friends. That is a normal feeling when trying to figure out who you are and who you are going to be. Being bisexual, or liking boys and girls, is perfectly normal, just as being straight (liking only the opposite gender) gay or lesbian (liking only the same gender). I promise I am not going to tell you not to think about it because you are young, because as you said, you can’t stop thinking about it. I do hope that you continue to think about what is going on and how you feel about it, but without stressing over it.

If you are still questioning whether you are bisexual or not, when you think about who you like, sometimes it might help to ask yourself if you like boys and girls equally, like girls more, or boys more, and who you have crushes on the most. I do think that sometimes it helps to talk to someone about what you are going through. If you have a friend or an adult that you trust, maybe you can tell them what is going on and they can offer you some support. Don’t feel pressured to make any quick decisions or figure it all out today, part of the joy of life is figuring things out. You say that you don’t want to deceive your friends but you also don’t want anyone to know. I don’t think you are deceiving anyone, as you say you are still trying to figure it out. If you do decide to tell you friends, they may not react well, but they may be fine. You could start, over time, talking about your favorite actor or actress that may be gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and see how they react. What’s important is that you are comfortable telling others about your feelings and what is going on, don’t feel pressured to tell anyone until you are ready.

On the Advocates for Youth web site (http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=724&Itemid=177) the article, I think I might be bisexual, has some great information that you may like to read. If you want to connect with people your own age who are going through the same things that you are going through, TrevorSpace, a social network by the Trevor Project, is a great place to start. You can join by going to www.trevorspace.org. The Trevor Project also has an onling chat weekly where you can connect with someone in real time instant messaging at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat. Check that page for the times they are available.

You are such a wonderful person, an original who can brighten the world. We are here for you to help any way that we can.

Big hugs and best wishes

Trevor Staff