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Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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I don’t want to be lesbian

Question:

hi, i’m really dont know what to do anymore im so confused about my life. i feel so distant from my family like i dont belong.i began questioning my sexualliaty since 2010,i dont want to be a lesbian i think that’s why im considering myself bisexual.i have never been in a relationship with a man or women and i really want to be in a relationship but im scared.i only have told 2 people my best friend who is also bisexual and a close family friend who thinks i should be in a relationship with a man first i dont think he understands what im going throught and regreating on telling him because i dont know if i really can trust him.i never have anyone to talk to because im afraid.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Friend,

It is okay and normal to feel uncertain of your sexuality. Sexuality is a complex thing, that can change and evolve over time, and not everyone knows the answer at the same time. You’ve taken an important step, knowing that you are confused and looking for help, and it’s a very brave thing to do to reach out for help to figure this out about yourself.

Remember that sexuality has many different components: who you feel attracted to romantically, emotionally, physically, sexually. Some people feel the same way towards men or towards women in all the categories, some people feel different things with different genders. It might help to think about who you have crushes on, who you feel like you want to be with physically, who you fantasize about romantically. Who do you feel you relate to in these different areas? Thinking about these things can help you down the path of discovering yourself. You are the only one who can decide how you feel about your sexuality, and you have time to figure it out. It’s also very normal to want to be in a relationship, to have a deep rewarding connection with someone. But do it because you feel comfortable being in a relationship, and not because you feel like you have to be in one. And again, think about who you want to have a relationship with, and why, to help you discover your sexuality.

You mention that you don’t want to be a lesbian, and that’s why you consider yourself bisexual. It might help to think about why you don’t want to be a lesbian. Is it the stress you feel about telling other people that makes you not want to be lesbian, or is it something about being a lesbian you don’t like that makes you not want to tell other people? Trying to think about which one leads to another can help you figure out the core issue and where to look to try to find answers. And sometimes it’s simply not knowing that makes you afraid of something, and discovering more about something makes you less afraid of it.

You mention that you’ve told two people, and that you don’t feel comfortable talking with the close family friend because he doesn’t understand and you don’t trust him. But do you feel comfortable talking with your best friend? Remember that you don’t have to talk to everyone, you can start small. Find someone you trust talking with, get comfortable, and use that to grow on. Is there an LGBT organization in your community where you might find someone you feel comfortable talking with? Are you familiar with TrevorSpace, the safe online community for LGBT youth and their friends and allies, ages 13 to 24, located at trevorspace.org? Sometimes talking with someone who has been through what you are going through can help, as you might find ways to help you discover yourself.

Finally, it can seem overwhelming, having all these thoughts and questions racing through your head. Don’t feel like you have to solve everything right away. Think about it, find the one area you think is the most simple to figure out, and work on that. Just pick one. Then you’ve given yourself a foothold, and some confidence, and from there you can work on the next step, and the next.

Trevor Staff