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i don’t want to fight any more

Question:

I have spent the last five years running away from everything, and I don’t think I have strength to go on anymore.

I am the son of an evangelical anti-gay pastor in the South. I went to a Christian school as a child and I was constantly taught to fear and hate myself. I never felt safe to admit my identity to anyone and I buried it deep within myself. As a victim of abuse from my father, I was constantly on edge and angry as a child. I was confused and hurt and felt that the only way for me to live happy and healthy life was for me to escape the circumstances. in which I had been born. I got out by going to college, and I worked hard to make it through school all on my own. I did well and was a successful student. I had always been told, and truly I believed that if I worked hard I would succeed and everything would be okay in the end.

As I began to embrace my identity and the impact of my childhood abuse, I quickly became overwhelmed. I found myself drowning in loneliness and despair. I had a few unhealthy relationships, and I constantly looked for emotional satisfaction through sex with strangers. I was destroying myself to feel loved. As graduation approached last year, I only fell deeper into my pain. I wanted to die, I wanted to put on my cap and gown, write a note to my parents about how terrible they had made my life as a queer-abused child, and then kill myself on graduation day, which was also my birthday.

My friends saved my life and helped me make it through that deeply painful moment. A few months later I was offered a great internship in the city of my dreams, and I thought I was going to make it. Reality was very different. With no support and the fear of failure, homelessness, and in a desperation to make it to my career goals, I went into independent escorting. As my life spiraled downward and everyday became more bleak, I finally decided that if I wanted to survive I had to leave those circumstances. I planned my escape and moved in with a friend back in my home-state. The only problem was that I had hidden my escorting from my current boyfriend, the one person in my life that made me feel happy and gave me hope for the future.

Like all lies and secrets eventually are discovered, the truth of my life in that city is now out in the open and I will soon be alone again. I have been fighting to survive on my own for five years now. I feel like I have done all the “right things,” and many wrong things as well in an effort to be happy, but nothing seems to work. I am no closer to coming out to my family, because I cannot emotionally take the rejection, and in every area or my life I seem to be at the lowest possible point. If I did not have a few close friends that care about me, I know for a fact I would be dead right now.

While things seem to be slowly getting better in some aspects of my life, I no longer have the ability to fight. I don’t want to fight just to survive anymore. I am afraid for my health and I do not know how much longer I can fight back those suicidal thoughts. I can’t tell my friends about these thoughts anymore and my boyfriend is almost out of the picture. I can’t fight anymore, right now it feels like there is only pain and fear.

Answer:

Hi,
It sounds like you have been incredibly strong throughout your life so far. It is OK to feel tired sometimes. You should proud of yourself for reaching out and sharing your story like this. Growing up in that sort of environment must have been so very hard – it was smart of you to get out of there when you could.

Anyone would feel tired and hopeless after all that you have been though. If you are thinking of suicide, please, please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. Also, please consider reaching out to someone you trust, to share these feelings with, preferably an adult like a teacher, family member (assuming it is safe), neighbor, or school counselor. You deserve it.
Although I cannot be sure what you mean by abuse, this may be a good place to start. You do deserve additional support and the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Nation Network (RAINN) is a good place to start. You can find them here: http://www.rainn.org/ .

You have been through a lot and have struggled with confusion, unhealthy relationships, pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe it would be a good idea to get professional help. It could be helpful to find a mental health professional that would understand: http://www.glbtnearme.org/ can be used to find gay-affirming therapists in your area.

It sounds like a lot of your support is falling apart which can be a real scary thing. If you’re looking to talk to other young people about coming to terms with your identity or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace ishttp://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people onhttp://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 .

Also, http://www.childrenofthenight.org/ (a resource for adults too) can help support you since you have decided to change those circumstances. People do what they need to do sometimes, but you should be really proud that you want to change things and that takes a lot of resolve and courage.

Please consider going to an emergency room if you are thinking of suicide or at least giving our 24/7 Lifeline a call. You have clearly been through a lot and deserve additional support. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone. It is worth it – things sound really tough now, but suicide can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out for more support.
Trevor