Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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I feel like an outsider, no matter what sort of community I’m in.

Question:

I’m an androgynous pansexual.(I’m not out exactly, but no one asks, if someone asks if I’m a lesbian I say no, because I’m not, that’s about as far as people think and quite honestly I don’t feel the need to out myself, I’m not scared, I just think it’s none of their business) Now, the second I realized who I was I knew, absolutely knew that it wasn’t something that was going to be easy to explain to people and even if I tried my best no one would understand in my school or my town, that was a given I could already cope with that as I already didn’t have any friends whatsoever, there’s no one left in my school of about 400 students that I would really like to be friends with anyway. But as of about a year ago, any sort of relationship I have had with other people has been online (more specifically, tumblr) while pretty much everyone is liberal and there is a high tolerance for, well pretty much anyone, I still find myself left out sometimes, even in queer communities. The thing is, I realize you can’t include everything and have GayLesbianBisexualPansexualPolysexualAsexualQuestioningTransgenderNonBinaryAndrogynousEveryFuckingThingThatIsn’tHeteronormitiveYouSeeWhereI’mGoing
But you know, you don’t really here about androgyny or pansexuality in the media, and it makes you feel more isolated than ever from the rest of society, I’ve had friends that fit in every GLBTQ category, and the only person I can really remotely relate to is another online friend I have who is asexual and feels the same amount of under representation as I do.
What I’m asking, is how can I feel more excepted in the community? Are there any websites devoted particularly to androgyny that I don’t know about? Because right now the only thing that makes me feel less alone is scrolling down the ‘androgyny’ tag on tumblr.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Friend,

I can understand you’re frustration. It can be difficult enough not identifying as heterosexual, but identifying as pansexual in another world that seems to be dominated by the letters LGBT can be even more challenging. I like that you listed all the different “labels” in your letter. Every time you think of yourself as Pansexual, remember each and every one of those “labels”. Remember that you’re never alone, even if you may be a little different from everyone else. Though a gay person or a lesbian person or a bisexual person or a transgendered person may not share your sexuality, they certainly can relate to the many obstacles you face as a person who is not straight. While the world likes to put labels on people, remember that at the end of the day the labels aren’t important. What’s important is a person’s character, not their sexuality. And you seem to me like a caring, intelligent person with great character.

I encourage you to talk to those who are close to you, such as your parents, your friends, a teacher, or a guidance counselor. Though they may not be Pansexual, their love and support can certainly help you feel less alienated. Perhaps they could even learn more about Pansexuality and all that you have to share about your sexuality? By understanding you more, they can support you more. And by supporting you more, you may feel less alone in the world! That being said, I think that you’re right in seeking support from others who are Pansexual. It’s important that as you continue to learn more about your Pansexuality that you communicate with others that have gone through and are going through the same journey. While there may not be many websites made by and for Pansexuals, there are certainly many that cater to all members of the Queer world. I found one article in particular that could be of interest of you on coming out as Pansexual, located here: http://inourwordsblog.com/2012/10/03/coming-out-to-myself-im-pansexual/ I also found a Reddit thread for those who identify as Pansexual and Androgynous here: http://www.reddit.com/r/androgyny/ You may also want to Google the words “Pansexual Support” and see what comes up – I’m sure you’ll come across many great articles and resources as you browse!

Also know that The Trevor Project is always here for you. You can find a great online community through Trevor Space, The Trevor Project’s safe online social networking site for Queer youth. Or if you’re ever in need of more advice or help, always know that you can send a letter to Ask Trevor at any time, or chat with someone directly through Trevor Chat (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat) or by calling the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.  Remember to always be true to yourself, and have no fear!

Trevor Staff