Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You are never alone. Thank you for reaching out to The Trevor Project for support!

I Go By Aydrien, Not Emma

Question:

Hello,
I am a 16 year old that is physically female but mentally not fully female. I’ve recently decided that I want to be called Aydrien instead of my real name and I think I’ve realized I’m a male to some degree. During the summer, I told my parents about me being transgender. My parents kind of brushed it off as me being confused and not how I actually felt. I asked my dad a few days later if I could get a chest binder, but he ended up saying that he and my mom don’t think it is good for my health. What they haven’t realized is how it would affect my mental health. After that happened, I started getting more depressed and felt disconnected from my family. I recently told my parents that I want them to call me ‘Aydrien’, but they refuse to because it “isn’t my name”. I’ve been feeling even worse and more self-conscious ever since this happened and I feel as if everyone is against me. Whenever someone calls me by my real name or uses girl pronouns instead of guy pronouns or ‘they, them, their”, I feel horrible. Even if someone does think I’m a boy, I always feel self-conscious because I know that I have a girl’s body and I can’t really do much to hide it without a binder. I want to get one even if my parents are against it, but I don’t know how I could get one without them knowing and I’d only be able to wear it when I’m not around them. My voice being higher doesn’t really help me pass as a guy either. I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Aydrien,

I’m really glad you had the strength to reach out to the Trevor Project for help. I know it can be difficult to ask for help when you haven’t received support in the past, and I’m sorry coming out as transgender has been so difficult for you.

Unfortunately, many people have trouble understanding why some people are not the gender society thinks that they should be. It’s very frustrating that your parents need time to understand when you’ve already spent so much time thinking about the issue. You can hope that they will come to terms, but if they can’t, then the important thing to remember is that there are other people who will accept you as you are without questioning. There is nothing wrong about how you feel or who you are.

Since you’ve already told your parents how you feel, it may help to give them some resources that will help them understand how you’re feeling so that you don’t have to keep trying to make them understand by yourself. Gender Spectrum (https://www.genderspectrum.org/ ) is a website for families that has a lot of information that could help them understand your need to transition. HRC also has a guide to transgender visibility at http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/transgender-visibility-guide.

It may not be possible to convince your parents to let you wear a binder right now, but even if you can’t do that, it might help to have other safe places and people who will call you by the name you are comfortable with and use your preferred pronouns.

If there is a teacher or counselor at school who you can trust, it may help to talk to them. You can also log on to Trevor Space here at the Trevor Project and connect with other young adults who will understand how you feel. If you need to chat with someone, you can also reach out to Trevor Chat or call the hotline.

Please don’t hesitate to keep asking for support and help when you need it.  There are people who care about and respect you exactly the way you are.

Trevor Staff