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Hello, my name is Tyler Boyd. I am 21 years old. I am gay. I have a huge problem and it is driving me crazy, I have not been able to sleep at night but maybe 1-2 hours since I came out when I was 18. When I came out, thankfully I was able to move out… my family completely disagrees with me and my decision to come out. They are super religious southern baptist Christians and do not agree or accept me whatsoever. I have been told by them if I do not change I will die and burn in hell, and that in their opinion that I am not gay no matter what I say and as long as they are around I WILL not be who I really am… a gay male. Thankfully at the time I came out I was also able to move out… but just recently I lost everything, and I had to move back under my father and it is stressing me out beyond… I smoke almost two packs of cigerettes a day to try and deal with the stress… and of course it doesnt help, I have thought about suicide many times in the past… right now I do not feel I am suicidal however I am severely depressed, he has secluded me to where I can not see my friends, I can not go and do anything that is not completely planned by him… he says he rufuses the fact that I am gay. During the past year I was able to meet the person that I fell in love with, his name is Kevin… and I love him more than anything I have ever loved before, but through all of this I have been forced to not see him… and it is really killing me… I need help, I need someone to talk to, I do not know what I am going to do and I feel like I am only going backwards in life, I am back to being in the closet, except this time I am forced in by my parents. I want out… but I can’t get out, I want someone to talk to, but my parents will not let me talk to anyone but a preacher… I just want it all to be over. Please help me. I don’t have anywhere else to go… if I choose to stand up to my parents right now I will lose everything, my shelter, my transportation… everything… and I just do not know what to do… please please please help me.
It does sound like life has been really stressful lately. It’s impressive that you were brave enough to come out as a teenager, and resourceful enough to live on your own for as long as you did. As you point out, though, now that you’re completely reliant on your father it’s probably not the best time to stand up to him. As unfair as it is, that means your best option is probably to take advantage of living with him to make a plan for the future, so that when you do make your stand you won’t lose everything if he reacts badly. See if he’ll let you take classes at the local community college or get a job—anything that might let you meet new people and maybe save some money. Keep in mind that your father is putting all this time and energy into controlling you because he cares about you—if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t make the effort. Once you’re on your own for good, it will be up to him to decide whether his closed-mindedness keeps him from having a relationship with you. And if it does, that will be his loss.
In the meantime, it’d be great if you could talk to guys in similar situations. It seems you have some private internet access—have you thought of joining TrevorSpace? It’s a great way to make friends who might be going through experiences like yours. You can also read up on the many ways to be gay and religious—including Baptist!—at www.welcomingresources.org. Being gay doesn’t mean you can’t be a good Christian, no matter what anyone tells you. Always remember that God loves you and created you exactly as he intended to you be.
Also, think about kicking the cigarettes—once you have a life on your own terms you’ll want to be able to enjoy it for a long time. And, as you said, they don’t really help with the stress anyway. To blow off steam, try doing something fun instead. Sometimes taking a long run or walk helps.
Remember, if you ever feel it’s all too much to handle and you need someone to talk to, you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.
I’m glad you reached out. Good luck, and feel free to write again.