I hate myself. Always had and most likely always will.. I hate myself because nothing that I do is enough. I’m not able to enjoy life anymore. Even though I have family and friends I feel alone. None of them knows I’m gay. I hooked up before I even had a normal relation ship. I’m 20 years old and so far I never had one. Now I believe I never will. I always feel that love has forgotten me, so I should forget about love. I keep telling myself that this is how was meant to be but I’m just lying to myself. I’m completely lost and wish I was never born although I don’t want to kill myself, yet. I don’t know how to be able to love life anymore. I also feel that I will never have a boyfriend. How can someone love me when I don’t love myself? I need help.
Believe it or not, what you’re feeling is a very human experience that many people go through. With the kind of thoughts you have about yourself and those around you, it may appear difficult to imagine a scenario where you would find another person would desire a relationship but I would like you to know that it is not an impossible nor irreversible situation and it is possible to love life again. I am glad to see that you have not reached the level of wanting to harm yourself. From you letter, you seem passionate and caring and have taken a very important step in rescuing yourself from the situation you find yourself in, which is taking the time to let someone else know how you feel. It is quite helpful to express your feeling to others and I am glad you decided to communicate those feelings to us.
One of the challenges I see yourself in is that your feelings of loneliness and isolation from your friends and family, especially since they may not be aware of your sexual orientation. Although it is not always apparent, your family and friends may be more helpful to you than might otherwise expect. And it is certainly difficult to talk about this subject with the people close to you who are unaware of the details of your life. If you’ve never heard of an organization called PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), they are an excellent support group for people who want to understand and help those they love who are LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender). Their web-site is www.pflag.org. They can provide some perspective for both the LGBT person and the allies and straight friends and family. Nonetheless, the feelings you have a real and valid. It is difficult to try and sort these things out on your own. For yourself and how you feel, you may want to focus on expressing your feelings with others who may have had similar experiences and find out how they coped with them. One website, http://us.reachout.com/, provides some very good information and videos and support links for people like yourself who need some boost to their feelings and understand as well why it is that you feel the way you do and are having an especially hard time sorting it out. Although you are already 20 and may not consider yourself still a teenager, this resource is an excellent means of finding help if you just feel like you cannot get out of the bad feelings you have: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm. You may also benefit from taking a look at our social site at The Trevor Project called Trevor Space (www.trevorspace.org). You might be surprised at how many people are out there who have the same kind of anxieties about relationships as you do and know that it can bring some good feelings to you just knowing that you are truly not alone.
It may not feel like it right now, but it is possible to change our views of ourselves and by doing so will make the people and world around us more appealing. By continuing to share how we feel, the situation can be put into perspective and allow us to find a way out of any bad emotions or feelings. I encourage you to continue talking about how you feel, whether it is to us or to any of the other assistance that may be available in the links I provided you. You should feel yourself comfortable with those you decide to speak with, and there are many of us out here who are ready and happy to listen to you. We care about you and want you to feel like you’re the valuable person you are. If you ever find that you need any immediate assistance or want to talk about your feelings, please do not hesitate in calling us at the Trevor Life Line at 866-488-7386.