I’m 17 and I’ve known I was a lesbian for basically my whole life, but only realized it about a year and a half ago. I have a few close friends who I’ve told and my brother.
Anywho… I started loving showchoir by the end of my freshman year. I saw it a lot because my fabulously homosexual brother was in it. I got into our school’s mixed showchoir my junior year (this past year) and I have a couple of really close friends in there. Most of them are guys but one of them is a girl (who I’m naming M) and she’s like my best friend. So, we were friends this whole year but we started getting really close during our “competition season,” which was like late winter. She didn’t know that I’m gay though.
So, she’s sort of a touchy feely person and she’d always like stroke my arm and play with my hair and my fingers. Then she would always pretend like we’re secret lovers or something and joke about that (really convincingly) and when we’d talk about relationships and I’d say something she didn’t exactly agree with, she’d just be like “and this is why we can’t get married!” But yeah eventually I kind of developed a crush on her and she kept doing all this stuff. It got super uncomfortable, so, I stopped spending so much time with her. She got a little upset at how much time I wouldn’t spend with her and thought I was avoiding her and stuff (which I was but…).
I finally stopped avoiding her and thought I was over my crush, but then we started getting really close again. I still wasn’t over it and she kept joking around and being touchy feely and I kept blushing all the time.
One night we were at this stupid choir party after we won state or something and I guess I was looking outwardly depressed. Naturally M asked me what was wrong, but didn’t back off when I tried to pass it off as nothing this time. Luckily, I had to leave right then. M freaked out and told me she’d call me when she got back to her house and would keep calling until I answered.
I went home and she called after about an hour. I answered and basically told her the whole story of how I realized that I’m a lesbian. I left out the part about me liking her though… She was really chill about it and super supportive I guess.
After that, nothing changed. She kept doing like everything that makes me blush. I just don’t know what to do about this situation. I can’t just avoid her again, but I feel like I can’t keep letting her do this. I don’t know how to tell her I like her as more than a friend, or even if I could tell her.
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First off I’m really glad that you wrote to AskTrevor. Dealing with this kind of stuff is really hard and it’s even harder to reach out and ask for help. It was brave of you to write.
From what you write in your letter I’d say you are pretty self aware and smart.
It’s also great that ShowChoir has been such a positive experience for you and that you have been able to open up to people around you who you trust. That is really important. You must never feel that you have to go through this stuff alone.
Being a lesbian is natural and great, but living in a mainly straight world can make it hard, especially when you have a crush on someone who might not be gay themselves. It sounds like you have been as honest and open as you feel you can be right now. You seem to have given the other person plenty of opportunity to hear how you feel about her. You say she is a ” sort of touchy feely person” and I guess in this situation that has made things harder for you. it must feel like you are getting these slightly confusing signals from her. What this situation has shown is how deeply you are capable of feeling, which is great, but If she isn’t lesbian then you have to accept that, which sucks. Like I said, It can be hard when not everyone around you feels the same way, so if she responds, great, but if not then you have to respect and accept that and kind of move on.
However there are a bunch of great organizations and places where you can go and meet other gay and lesbian people. Some are online such as TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same kinds of experiences that you are. Any time we can share this kind of stuff with others who get it, it definitely helps.
Here are some other organisation that might be helpful to you as you deal with all this stuff:
On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” which may help you with your questions about your sexuality.
PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) ‘Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth’ at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf
Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out. Yue are the one who decides when you come out and who you come out to.
We are always here for you at The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, TrevorChat, and TrevorSpace.
I wish you luck Chloe, this stuff is really hard but you seem a pretty cool and sensible person and I know you’re going to be OK