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I Love My Best Friend

Question:

Hi Trevor,

I find myself in love with my best friend. We have been best friends for the last 8 years and I have been in love with him since the very beginning. He is straight and I am bisexual. He’s beautiful and popular and the most down-to-earth guy. Sometimes I don’t understand why he would choose me as his best friend. He gets very sad when I say we are not best friends. We have a very emotional relationship. We always want to be alone. When I spend a night we sleep in the same bed body-to-body. When we shake each others hands we never want to let go and we always say “I love you” to one other. We hide this from our family and friends.

I’m a loner, average looking and an outcast. He’s always making me happy and shows love by cooking for me, listening to me and walking on my back. We even hug each other and tickle each other. Sounds perfect except that I want a relationship and all the girls want him. He always say I’m above all of them because he knows I get jealous, but he wants a girlfriend. I really love him. Sometimes I wonder if he knows and is messing with my emotions. I feel like he’s all I’ll ever want because no one will ever love me like he does. He’s my only true friend and I have social anxiety issues. Sometimes I’m very sad and he asks me why and I have to lie. I cover up my feelings. We just smile at each other than laugh. My heart is hurting because I really want him but don’t wanna feel rejected. Sometimes he acts kind of gay like slapping my butt and basically giving me all this attention. He even said “I’m only happy if you’re happy,” and “I will spend my life making you happy.” But later he always say “that’s gay” to other people all the time. He is so caring and confusing. He always says “you’re all I got” and he gets very jealous whenever I’m with someone else. We are only 15. Please give me some advice as my heart is hurting so much. We even talk on the phone forever and won’t hang up. Please tell me what I should do.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

I wish this was a simple matter and that there were some very simple answers, but because that’s not necessarily the case, I cannot tell you exactly what you should do. But, I can recommend a few ideas and offer some advice as to how to move forward in your friendship.

The first thing I would advise is to not outright label your best friend as “straight” because you don’t want to put him into a box, ever. It may be that he is actually bisexual, for example, so you shouldn’t define his sexuality for him. I’d say the same for you. No one else can put a label on you because only you truly know yourself and your sexual preferences or identity. It may appear through his actions that he is currently attracted to girls, but that does not mean he’s straight. In no way do I want to give you false hope, but I do want to put that on the table.

Now, in trying to decide what to do, I want to make a broad recommendation, which is to organically create opportunities in which sexuality or attraction can be discussed amongst the two of you. Don’t force anything, but let him offer up his opinions and try to create situations that could lead to larger conversations. One way you could do this is by speaking to pop culture, the push for marriage equality in America and/or perhaps even vocally discussing your support for a gay peer that you both know from school or an LGBTQ celebrity. Then, see how your best friend reacts to your support of that person. This will help you gauge his attitude toward the subject and may open the door to you some day expressing how you feel about him in an honest and transparent way. This could also help in your moments of sadness, having the ability to be honest and open about your feelings.

One great thing to note is that you can also always be honest and open with us and there are many avenues available to you to do so. The first I want to tell you about is the Trevor Lifeline, 1-866-488-7386, which is available to you 24/7/365 if ever you need a listening ear or support in decision-making or with advice. We also have TrevorSpace, http://www.trevorspace.org/, a safe online community for LBGTQ teens (ages 13-24) and their allies. It could be a wonderful opportunity to connect with others in similar situations. Also, we have TrevorChat, http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat, where you can sign up, pick a time and chat in real-time with one of our volunteers further about this situation with your best friend or anything else that’s on your mind. And finally, if you are looking for support in your local area, look up your local PFLAG chapter http://community.pflag.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=803, which will allow you to connect with an encouraging community of LGBTQ persons and allies. This could be a wonderful outlet if you are unable to discuss your feelings with your best friend. Most of all, you must remember that you are not alone and that there is support for you. We want to see you succeed and do wonderful things. So keep your head held high and remain optimistic because tomorrow is always a new day.

Trevor