Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

i love my bestfriend

Question:

Hi Trevor,

 I find myself in love with my best friend.  We have been best friends for the last 8 years and I have been in love with him since the very beginning.  He is straight and I am bisexual.  He is beautiful and popular and the most down the earth guy. Sometimes I do not understand why he would choose me as his best friend. He gets very sad when I say we are not best friends.  We have a very emotional relationship.   We always want to be alone.  When I spend the night, we sleep in the same bed body to body. When we shake each other’s hands, we never want to let go and we always say I love you to one another. We hide this from our family and friends.

I am a loner, average looking, and an outcast. He is always making me happy and shows love by cooking for me, listening to me and walking on my back. We even hug each other and tickle each other.  It sounds perfect except that I want a relationship and all the girls want him. He always says I am above all of them because he knows I get jealous but he wants a girlfriend. I really love him. Sometimes I wonder if he knows and is messing with my emotions. I feel like he is all I ever wanted because no one will ever love me like this. He is my only true friend and I have social anxiety issues. Sometimes I am very sad and he asks me why and I have to lie to cover up my feelings. We smile at each other than laugh. My heart is hurting because I really want him but do not want to feel rejected. Sometimes he acts “kind of gay”, slapping my butt and basically giving me all this attention. He even said I am only happy if you’re happy and I will spend my life making you happy.  But later he says “that’s gay” to other people all the time. He is so caring and confusing. He always says you’re all I got and gets very jealous whenever I am with someone else. We are only 15.  Please help with some advice. My heart is hurting so much. We even talk on the phone forever and won’t hang-up. Please tell me what I should do.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi,

You are obviously an amazing friend and it is great that you have had such close friendship for many years.  You also demonstrate a great deal of courage and maturity to recognize your feelings and how they could complicate your friendship.  Having strong feelings and attraction toward those we are closest is perfectly normal whether they are of the same or opposite sex.  It is perfectly natural to want to share these feelings and normal to be confused trying to figure out how someone else feels.  Although these feelings are normal and natural, you should think carefully about whether to share them with your best friend. 

If there is an adult or relative who knows you both and who you trust, I would suggest talking to them and getting their advice.  Also consider that labels such as straight can be too restrictive.  This label may not completely align with your best friend so refrain from putting him in a box.  Everyone works through their attractions at their own pace and comfort level.  What may seem confusing to others may just be right for the individual.  I do not mean to get your hopes up that your boyfriend maybe bisexual but to understand these labels do not always paint a clear picture.  You may want to find delicate ways to get a better sense of how he feels about others who are bisexual or gay.  You showing support for a friend or even someone in entertainment who is gay or bisexual could give you insight based on how he responds.  You could open a dialogue with your best friend about when he knew he was straight if that is the label he identifies himself.  These could be safer conversation starters to get a better understanding of how your best friend feels.

 You also might want to join TrevorSpace, the online social network for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24 and their allies. There, you can chat with other people who might be going through similar things as you. Trevor space is available at www.trevorspace.org.  And remember there is the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR and TrevorChat.  It is very impressive that you have the maturity to realize what a complicated situation this is and that you are putting in the effort to think a lot about how to approach this. You obviously have a very special friendship and that is worth a lot. We are always here for you!

Trevor Staff