I have this friend we’ll call him Skyler. Last school year when we were seniors I was depressed badly. I wanted to die because people around me always made me feel bad about being gay without knowing what they were doing. Some friends realized I was really really sad and tried Getting me to talk Skyler was the only one I opened up to right away. I told him I was gay and always though about throwing my life away and just ending it. He gave me reasons to live again, he made me smile, he knew everything about me, and he made time in his busy life to hangout with me just so I could be a little happier. Overtime I feel for him really hard I love him now. I wish I could tell him how I feel because he makes me so happy and I can’t see myself being here still if it wasn’t for him. I want to let him know but I’m scared of losing him. He knows I’m gay and sometimes he flirts with me but he says he likes this one girl. Idk what to do I really want to tell him but I’m scared of losing him. He and I are planning to go to the same college an be roommates but idk if this would get between us. I really really like him like I close my eyes and I see myself with him but idk if he’d feel the same way and I don’t want to lose my first real friend because I love him. Is there anything I can do?
It is really normal to feel uncertain about a situation like this. You should be proud of yourself for taking the courage to reach out and sharing your story. It sounds like you have had a tough history dealing with coming out and thinking about throwing your life away. Having an uncertain relationship with a good friend turned romantic can be very confusing.
You said that you used to have suicidal thoughts before you met Skyler. If they do come up again, please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. TrevorChat, our instant messaging counterpart (available Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday 1-7PM PST) can sometimes be an easier place to start. Please also consider reaching out and being open, about your suicidal thoughts, with someone you trust, preferably an adult such as a family member, counselor, neighbor, teacher, or anyone else you think could help.
The situation with Skyler can be hard to figure out. Making the right choice, regarding this sort of relationship, is really all about where you are, how you feel, and what you think the best choice is. Ultimately it can be helpful to consider the pros and cons so that you are ready for whatever happens. What is the best thing that could happen vs. what if things go terrible? Try to base your choice on these sorts of considerations. Overall, it sounds like he is a great friend and perhaps he would understand either way, but you would know best. Trust your feelings.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about your feelings or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace is http://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 .