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I think I’m in love with one of my best friends

Question:

Hello,
I think I may be in love with one of my two best friends. Both my best friends know I’m a lesbian and the one I think I am in love with said she was too. I think I would enjoy being in a relationship with her but I’m not sure if she likes me back and I don’t know what to say.
I’m quite shy and a couple of years ago, before I realised my sexuality, I asked a boy out over text and it didn’t turn out so well. Could you give me ways to ask her out?
Also, she seems to do things to me that she doesn’t do to our other best friend like leaning her head on my shoulder sometimes and I remember before in P.E we were sitting on the grass and she leaned her head on my legs, while I was singing and she said something along the lines of “You have a really nice voice, you should sing more often.” or something like that. Could things like this be signs she does like me, even if it’s a tiny bit, back? However, I’m the ‘cute’ (I guess) kind of friend, who sits on people’s laps and hold hands and link arms with my best friends and sometimes I lean my head on her shoulder and I feel nervous and sometimes wonder if I’m making her uncomfortable, so I refrain from doing it, but I do hold her hand and link arms with her and I constantly feel the need to touch her, I’ll poke her for no reason or reach out, so she puts her hand on mine, Does this mean I do in fact like her?
I’m also worried about our other best friend, I worry that she’ll feel left out if me and my the best friend I like do start dating, just in case this does happen, could you give me some advice on what I should do to make her feel not left out?
Thank you.
Alissia

 

Answer:

 

Dear Alissia,

Thank you for writing into Ask Trevor. With so many different things to consider it is understandable that you have many questions and concerns. I am glad you chose to share them with us.

First off it is great that you have accepting and loving friends. That is such a great thing. I can understand then why you are reluctant to possibly risk these important relationships and also because of your previous experience when it did not turn out so good. Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons of a decision before you make it and just be prepared for any outcome.

A few things you might want to consider are, how will you react if your friend says no? Will things become awkward or will you be able to move past your feelings and cherish the friendship you have? Are you reading her actions right? Maybe she is just being encouraging as far as your singing is concerned. Maybe she just sees you are a really close friend. Pay attention for a few days to see how she behaves with other friends and this might give you some clues.

Sometimes though it’s completely ok to do what your heart says. If you really like her and are prepared for the positive and negative outcomes, you could ask her out. Maybe before you officially ask her out, you can just ask her to go with you for a movie or for a weekend activity where it is just the 2 of you. That will give you both the opportunity to talk and hang out and see how that feels. You could speak to her on one of these occasions about your feelings towards her. Tell her you like her and ask her if she feels the same way towards you. I know it can be tough to find the right words but sometimes the honest truth may just be a good idea.

By taking it slow and asking her out in a simple way, in case she does not feel the same way, it will hopefully leave your friendship unchanged. I know this maybe a difficult outcome especially since I can see you really care for her. But your friendship is valuable to so cherish that even if she does not want to be in a relationship with you.

If it does work out and you do start dating obviously things will change a bit. I understand why you are worried about your other best friend. I think you are very thoughtful to think about her as well. One way to not let her feel left out is by just hanging out the way you do now and go out with the friend you like at other times. Try to keep your close friendship unchanged. Do the same things you always did as a group. Pay attention to her needs and what she says and feels. If you do this she will know and feel that you are still just as close to her and nothing changed.

Alissia, it is understandable why you feel like there are so many things you have to look out for. Take things slow, think of all the possible outcomes so that you are prepared and even if relationships don’t work out hold on to your friendships as they are valuable as well. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Do what feels right. I encourage you to join TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org) which is a safe online social networking site run by the Trevor Project for LGBTQ youth between the ages of 13 to 24. As part of this supportive community, you will have the chance to reach out to other people who maybe going through similar experiences as you and get ideas from them.

Thank you for writing to us. It takes a lot to be so open and honest about something that is troubling you. Please write back whenever you feel like. We are here to talk to you about anything that you are going through.

With love and support,
Ask Trevor