Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

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I thought I knew

Question:

Dear Trevor,

Maybe I should start where it all started. Two years ago, I invited my new friend to YEC, to find out she has a twin. They both got to come with the church youth group and it was all cool. At the time I didn’t know much about the other twin. We were acquainted and quickly became friends. After the church event she told me she was a lesbian and God could never love her. Of course I disagreed because God created all of us how he pictured us to be.
Now that two years have passed ,we’ve been getting closer and closer. She’s struggled with depression almost as much as me. We’ve both possibly saved each others lives a few times, actually.
The passed few months I haven’t been thinking clearly. I’m not sure if it’s because I was mistreated by a guy in more than one way or maybe it’s a phase or something.. There’s been a few times that I’ve been friends with the lesbo twin that I would accidentally speak “I love you” in the actual meaning, not just as friends.
It’s so confusing because what I have been taught was wrong but now I’m not so sure. When she gets a new girlfriend.. I sorta get jealous. Which I should be fantasizing about a guy, right? I’ve told her about my confusion and she told me to check this web page out.Can I get some help of understanding of why I feel like this?

Answer:

Hi Jenae,

From your letter it sounds like you and your friend are very close and there are some feelings that you are developing for her that you are finding confusing. You are not alone in this, it is perfectly natural to be attracted to someone you are close to. She sounds like a good friend and that she is someone you can confide in.

It is also healthy that you are in touch with your feelings and are able to express them to your friend. There is no set rule on who you should be “fantasizing” about, you are a unique individual and its okay to embrace what comes natural to you. You mentioned saying “I love you” to your friend and felt like you really meant it. That is something to keep in mind as you begin to explore your sexuality. Here is a resource on bisexuality that you may find helpful.

You mentioned that you both saved each others lives which does not necessarily mean that you have thought of suicide but it you have, it’s very important for your safety that you immediately tell a trusted adult such as a parent, friend’s parent, relative, teacher, school counselor or doctor about your thoughts of suicide order to keep you safe. If you ever feel you’re going to act again on those thoughts, immediately call 911 or get to your nearest hospital emergency room.

Depression is another subject you have brought up in your letter. You say that you and your friend struggle with depression and have possibly saved each other’s lives a few times. That is great that you can support one another through times of depression but that may not be enough. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. People sometimes think about ending their life when they’re feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better, and helpless to make things better in their life. Is there an adult you trust that you can talk to when you feel depressed? Maybe a counselor or a teacher that you like at school could help guide you through difficult times. On www.us.reachout.com you’ll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” It’s important to know that there is treatment for depression and ways to deal with suicidal thoughts including therapy and/or medication.

One other issue you brought up that I’d like to address is the issue of God and sexuality. Jenae, I think your advice to your friend was wonderful, “God created all of us how he pictured us to be.” That was great advice you gave your friend and I hope you are taking it to heart with regard to yourself. I wanted to provide one other resource for LGBTQ people and their relationship with religion: http://www.gaychurch.org/

Jenae, you sound like a lovely young lady and I wish you the best of luck as you explore who you are. If there’s no one you feel comfortable talking with or would like more support, you could call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Our caring, understanding and supportive counselors are here to talk with you about everything you’re feeling and going through and want to do whatever is needed to keep you safe.

Stay strong. You are loved.

Trevor