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I don’t know what to do anymore.
What I mean by this is, I don’t really feel like living.
I don’t feel the need to kill myself or anything, but I just don’t see the point. I’m supposed to get all A’s and high ACT scores and such, but I just don’t see the point. I just wish I didn’t have to live anymore. I don’t see any future as a future girlfriend, or life with love. I don’t see any life at all. I do self harm once and awhile, because I feel the need to FEEL. Having pain makes me feel alive again. Once and awhile I have high points, when I feel on top of the world. Or sometimes I just feel hopeless, like I WANT to die. But other times I just feel like this, floating on nothingness. Like there is no use. I’m not sure if I’m depressed or something… just help me please.
It is OK to be unsure about life and really brave to admit it. It sounds like you are having a pretty tough time. Losing a sense of purpose or feeling hopeless can be really intense and challenging emotions.
Even though you say you do not feel the need to kill yourself, you also mention you do not see any life for yourself at all. Please consider calling our 24/7 Lifeline at 866-488-7386. TrevorChat, our instant messaging counterpart (available Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday 1-7PM PST) can sometimes be an easier place to start. Please also consider reaching out and being open, about your suicidal thoughts, with someone you trust, preferably an adult such as a family member, counselor, neighbor, teacher, or anyone else you think could help.
You mentioned that you self harm which can be a way to deal with feeling nothing, but it is important to think about some of the consequences. It can lead to infections, accidents, and permanent scarring. Checking these sites out can be helpful: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm and http://www.selfinjury.com/.
If you’re looking to talk to other young people about your feelings or others going through similar issues, you can check out TrevorSpace, our social network for LGBTQ youth and allies. It can be a great way to make friends and find support from all around the world. The address for TrevorSpace is http://www.trevorspace.org . TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Q&Q (Queer and Questioning) where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/topics.cfm?src=1 .
If you need immediate support, please call 911 or visit a hospital to get help from a mental health professional. Feeling uncertain, hopeless, and like you want to die is very serious. Please continue to be brave and reach out for additional support.