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I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like a lesbian. I am attracted to girls, I have crushes on girls, I want to marry a girl when I grow up. I have even come out to my mother and a close friend and they have both been very accepting. I have also been going through a lot of other things in the last five years: emotional abuse from multiple people, divorce, loss of pets, depression, anxiety, etc. I have never been able to see a therapist except at school and I did not have a good experience there because I was so upset all the time I kept going down to there office to try to talk to them when I should have been in class and now I realize that I was wrong to do that. I started getting in trouble for being late for school. I usually was late because I didn’t get up in the morning (because I didn’t want to live my life). The psychiatrist at my school said I was depressed had anxiety and OCD. I had a very hard time with my mom during that time and I feel like part of it was my fault. I was very lonely so I started trying to make friends and I would tell them some of these things about my life. Am I suppose to keep these things to myself? I feel like other people don’t want to know. Is is possible that my mind is making up these feelings because I am used to feeling desperate and depressed and maybe my brain is just making me think I’m gay so that I would have a community to be apart of and I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I think I am crazy. Is this possible? Am I lying to people by coming out? I’m so confused.
Letter submitted by:
First and foremost, thank you so very much for writing us! It takes a ton of courage to even question one’s sexuality, and the fact that you took it a step further and wrote us is a huge step in the right direction!
And next – a biiiiiig digital hug goes out to you. It sounds like you’re going through a lot, and man-oh-man does it sounds overwhelming. Phew. I commend you for being so strong, brave, and patient. It may sound cliche, but it really does get better, and I also commend you for talking so openly about your feelings – whether it be here, at school, or with friends. Communication is most certainly key.
Please know that there is treatment for depression, OCD, and anxiety (I believe that covers what you mentioned), including medication and/or therapy. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling – even outside of school – so that you can feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. Here are a few links that might be helpful to you…
On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment.
On http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/MHTreatmentLocator/faces/quickSearch.jspx you can search for mental health services in your area.
You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at http://aglp.memberclicks.netindex.phpoption=com_content&view=article&id=14&Itemid=74 for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk and work with.
It sounds like you’re doing your best to be brave about all of this, which is wonderful, and again, I admire you more than I can say for reaching out to us here at the Trevor Project. If you feel like you need someone else to talk to, I always recommend http://www.trevorspace.org, where you’ll find tons of other people your age going through very similar things, or calling in to the Trevor Lifeline (1-866-488-7386). We really are all in this together, and we certainly have your back! We believe in you, even on the days when you don’t believe in yourself.
All the best,
- The Trevor Project