Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You are never alone. Thank you for reaching out to The Trevor Project for support!

I’m so confused

Question:

Hi. I’ve only told a couple people I’m bi, but now I’m wondering if I’m bi or lesbian. I told my transgender parent who told me that I’m not bi…I’m lesbian. I definitely like girls–but I also kind of like boys….but not the same anymore. I want to know what to tell my mom—am I lesbian or bi?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Leah,

Coming out can be a very challenging and confusing process. And that’s just it–it’s a process. We don’t usually have the answers we are looking for overnight. As we grow and change and learn every single day, we get to know ourselves better. And this process is yours and yours alone, no one else can tell you who you are or aren’t–not even your mother. So your confusion is completely natural and understandable, so don’t let it worry you too much.

The terms “bisexual” and “lesbian” are words that we use to help explain and identify who we are, but they are just words. First and foremost you are a unique and special individual just the way you are. You get to choose which words work best to describe who you are, maybe one works better than the other, and maybe neither one really works well. But what you decide and when you decide is completely up to you.

When trying to better understand who you are, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people. When you feel attracted to people of both genders we call that bisexual, when you are attracted to people of the same gender we call that lesbian and gay, and when you are attracted to people of the opposite gender we call that heterosexual or straight. It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with whether that is girls, boys or both.

There are some websites we can direct you to can provide you with more things to think about: 1) “I think I might be bisexual” at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=724&Itemid=177; 2) “I think I might be lesbian” at http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.phpoption=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177; and 3) a general coming out guide at http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf.

We want you to know that we are here for you as you continue to go through the process of discovering who you are.  You can also reach out to LGBTQ youth ages 13 to 24 on Trevor Space at www.trevorspace.org. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexual orientation. Remember, you are not alone, we are always here for you!

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff