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Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

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im so utterly confused right now.

Question:

Hello! A friend suggested you guys to me said it helped her so here goes.
I’ve grown up with my grandma whose a Jehovah witness, moms a christian and step dad is a gay hater and there constantly telling me I’m gonna get a wife and have kids. for about 10 years I believed that. I luv to read yaoi and could spend hours doing it and I’ve started checking guys out and kinda got scared so I did what any child would do I went to my mom.

She told me that because I’m reading yaoi I’m going to think I’m gay so I have to stop and that I’m not gay. So I stopped for about 2 years but still kept checking guys out. I mean I do like girls but every time someones like oh check her out she’s hot im just like meh. I fantasize constantly bout dating a guy and such but not really sure if i am gay or bi. If I am gay how do I come out to my family who all believe gay is wrong and step dad hates em? Is it just the yaoi influencing me like mom said or do i really want to be with a guy? If I am gay how hard is life for them? I’m so utterly confused right now lol

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hello,
I’m glad to hear your friend found Ask Trevor helpful and encouraged you to reach out also. It can be hard to figure out your sexuality at any age and I know it’s even more difficult when you don’t feel as though you have your parents support.
No one knows why some people are gay or bisexual and sometimes that leads to other people trying to find a reason or a cause when there isn’t one. If you find Yaoi entertaining, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t necessarily change something as complicated as your sexuality. It seems like you are already asking yourself a lot of the questions that can help you figure out how you feel like considering who you have crushes on and who you see yourself dating in the future. Also, you don’t have to define your sexuality unless you want to. Some people find comfort in finding a label and definition that fits for them while other people are more comfortable not putting a label on anything. The important thing is that whatever you decide, it’s something that feels right for you personally. It’s also okay if you change your mind about this later.

Coming out is a big decision and you’re the only person that can decide when and how you should do it. Many people find it freeing to be honest about their sexual orientation, but you also have to consider your own life and situation to make sure that you have ideas of how to ensure your own safety and well-being. It may help to talk a teacher or another adult that you trust. Ultimately, it’s hard to predict how anyone will react when you come out. Sometimes people will react much better than you think.

Gay and bisexual people have a wide variety of life experiences. I can certainly tell you that many gay people are very happy, while others have a lot of difficulty. For you personally, being gay does not have to mean your life has to be difficult. There are a lot of supportive places you can find and reach out to like The Trevor Project.

If you are feeling very upset or you just want to talk to someone one-on-one, you can also visit TrevorChat. TrevorChat is a free, confidential chat service that’s available everyday from 1:00pm – 7:00pm Mountain Time. You can also call the Trevor Lifeline at any time if you need someone to talk to directly. There is a brochure from Advocates to Youth that you might find helpful here: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=336 called “I Think I Might Be Gay…Now What Do I Do?”

Also, if you decide that you want to come out, the Human Rights Campaign has a “Resource Guide to Coming Out” at http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf helpful. There is also a good article, on http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/youthresource-comingout called “Coming Out to Your Parents: Questions to Think About.”

Whatever you decide, there are always people available to talk and give support whether you use Ask Trevor, TrevorChat, or the Lifeline. We are always here in some way to listen.

Trevor