Ask Trevor

We have transitioned Ask Trevor into a broader, more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies.

Please check out our new FAQ page here: http://TrevorSupportCenter.org

Im struggling on my sexuality

Question:

since 7th grade i have built up a like to guys and as time went on i tried fighting it and hiding it. So far nobody has figured it out but now i am unclear to tell my mom or brothers or my best friend.i have told a few other friends one of them being gay and he said tell them when you feel ready and i dont feel like i will ever be ready. when i was little my dad told my mom if me or my brothers were gay he would dis own us now i fear about telling my dad. Also in 7th grade my mom told me that if i felt gay or like other boys she would love me no matter what happened but my biggest fear is if i tell my friends and family they would all treat me different and i want people to know but get the same respect.

Answer:

Hey there,

Thanks so much for writing to us, and sharing your very personal struggle with coming out. It sounds like you’re conflicted with telling your family and friends that you’re gay, and scared that they may treat you differently if you do come out to them. It can be difficult to want to come out once you’ve heard from loved ones that they would “disown” you. But it sounds like your mom is being supportive and understanding, giving you a safe space to come out whenever you are ready.

And that’s what is most important: that you know that coming out has NO time table or set schedule. It is your decision as to when you want to tell your loved ones. Just remember that you must feel safe and comfortable when you do so. It must be so hard to “fight” and “hide” who you are, wondering if your loved ones will still love you if do come out to them. Coming out allows those special people in your life to know something personal and important about your life. It can create a closer relationship, you can feel less alone, and meet new friends by doing so.

It sounds like your mom would welcome you with open arms if you came out to her. There are a few resources that you could read, and then maybe share with your mom. PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has some great articles filled with questions and answers you or your mom may have. Go to www.PFLAG.org and click on “Get Support.” Then click, “For Family & Friends.” There is a pamphlet, “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of GLB People” that may be helpful.

Remember, coming out is on your schedule, no one else’s. You are loved, and supported here at the Trevor Project. Feel free to send us another message if you have anymore questions.

Trevor Staff