Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

In Love but She’s not Mine

Question:

Hi. Long story short I fell in love with my best friend. I didn’t realize for a year but when I did I struggled with dealing with my feelings for her. She had a boyfriend then. Since then, she’s broken up with him. I grew to accept that she didn’t love me in that way but was still able to love her at the same time. Recently though, I guess my emotions were stronger than my rationale because although I knew it was nothing, my emotions started to believe that she and I could be together. She’d call me names like darling and would snuggle with me. I’d text her all the time. Then she got a new boyfriend, a boy I don’t particularly like but she thinks he’s cute. She walks out at the end of class with him without saying goodbye. I’m not texting her as frequently as I used to but she doesn’t seem to notice. Why then is it that I always have to text her first? If I mattered enough, wouldn’t she text me on her own free will? I don’t blame her, for liking this boy. Who’s to say I wouldn’t do the same for a girl? Her past boyfriends have never bothered me. Maybe it’s not the fact that she has a new boyfriend that’s bothering me. It feels like she’s rejected me without saying any words. It feels like she’s just tossed me aside. She’s breaking my heart. She doesn’t realize it, that anything’s different between me and her, but there’s a difference for me. I’m a little more distant from her. My feelings towards her and how she’s making me feel is keeping me up at night and making it hard to focus on homework sometimes. I don’t know how to react to her anymore or how to love her right. I still love her and will always be there for her. But she’s killing me. I feel so hurt by her. I’ve started hanging out with another good friend of mine who makes me happy. But I know I can’t avoid her, the girl I fell in love with. It just feels like she’s kind of forgotten about me.

 

Answer:

 

Dear Carson:

Your story is that you fell in love with your best friend. You struggled for a year with your feelings for her. She had a boyfriend and you believed your relationship could continue as it was. Recently you felt your emotions were stronger and that you wanted to be together. She has names of endearment and feels comfortable with you enough to snuggle. She has a new boyfriend and her focus is more on this new boyfriend and she seems to be paying less attention to you. You are concern that you don’t matter as much to her anymore. Her past boyfriends didn’t bother you, but of late it feels like she is rejecting you, tossing your relationship with her aside. She doesn’t seem to notice that you and she are drifting apart and this is breaking your heart. The situation is affecting your sleep and concentration. She is hurting you and she doesn’t realize it. You are no longer sure how to love her so you have started being around another friend more. You always come into contact with and feel like she has forgotten you. I commend you for seeking out help by writing to AskTrevor.

There are many songs and poems written about heartbreak. It sounds as if you have strong feelings for someone who may not return them in the same way. This can cause a sense of loss whether it was real or something you hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a sense of heaviness emptiness and sadness. When this is happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. Share your feelings with someone you trust. Maybe you could talk about your feelings with a close friend, family member, a teacher or counselor. You might consider talking to your friend and clearing the air about the way you feel. Never blame yourself for what is happening, you‘re a great person and a good friend. Take care of yourself, try to get plenty of sleep, maybe study with a friend to get on track with school work. You could possibly look for activities you would enjoy. It takes time to work through these things give yourself the luxury to be able to work through this time with your friend.

If you need support or just want to talk The Trevor Project is here for you. Check out www.trevorspace.org it’s a safe place where you can network with others who might have the same issues and questions you have. If you need a safe place to talk there is always Trevor Lifeline 1-866-488-7386 available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You will find a trained volunteer who is ready to listen. You can always write back to Ask Trevor. Remember give yourself time to work through this with your best friend. The Trevor Project is always here for you.

Respectfully Yours
Ask Trevor