I’m Alice and I know you must hear this many times, but I’m really not sure of what I am.
I mean sexually of course. I like guys and I like girls but it’s way beyond the fact that I can consider myself a bisexual. I have this extreme confusion when it comes to whom I like; sometimes I want to become a boy but at the same time when I imagine myself with a girl, I want to be a girl.
Like I said it’s really confusing and I’m sure that I’m starting to give you a headache so you can imagine what I have to live through EVERY SINGLE DAY. All of these thoughts in my head.
Lately, I’m sure that I’m in love with my best friend who happens to be a girl. So I try every time to find excuses to touch her, to hug her, to make her know that she means to me more than a friend but without me actually saying the word.
To make the matter more and more confusing, I live in a muslin family and being gay or even having those kind of thoughts are beyond taboo. You can’t even be caught wondering about your sexuality. So, as a way to run from these feelings, I decided long ago to not simply feel anymore because it was so agonizing some times to feel this desperate need to talk, to say anything to anyone without fearing the consequences of such behaviors.
And I had really perfected this attitude: for some time I couldn’t feel anything, no happiness but most important no sadness. But lately, I came to realize that I’m feeling soo empty inside.
So i really need help. Someone to help me see what i am.
Letter submitted by:
I want to tell you that you are not causing anybody any headache. Questioning about your sexual orientation and/or your gender identity is very natural. Determining how you identify yourself can be very frustrating, but I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is normal. Having attractions and feelings to someone, whether may they be of same gender or opposite gender can really cause confusion with all different kinds of emotions being involved. Coming from a Muslim background can definitely add another level of frustration and confusion. I want to assure you again that what you are going through is normal and healthy.
Since the girl you are attracted to happen to be your best friend, you may have an idea of how she may react to your attraction to her. Regardless whether you tell your best friend or not, it is important for you to accept yourself and that feelings that you are going through are normal. You are a normal human being with feelings. You do not have to decide how you want to label yourself now. Labels tend to peg us into ideas that we understand the meaning of who we are and what and how we feel toward other people. I think it is a good idea to understand where we fit in in term of our sexual orientation and/or gender identity so we can content our sense of who we are. Because of the religious background, you are experiencing another layer of frustration and confusion because of how Muslim may view individuals who are attracted to same gender. Despite what you’ve been taught, it is very important to know that there is nothing wrong liking other girls, and in fact, it is completely normal and natural. There are many, many Muslims out there who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer. You are not alone. I do want to point out again that having attraction to someone of your same gender is as normal as it is to be attracted to someone of the opposite gender. Not everyone feels the exact same way, which is why there are so many diverse people out there. I would encourage you to listen, feel, and share your feelings. If you cannot share your feelings to your best friend and/or other friends and family members, I would encourage you to check out TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org where it is specifically created for people who want to reach out and talk to peers who are going through similar experiences. It can help you communicate about your concerns and about your feelings, which you are pushing away. Your peers can share their thoughts and feelings with you. It is a great place to check out because it is a place that reminds you that you are not alone.
I would like to share few links for you to look over to you can have a better idea. Also, I would like for you to consider social networks, like TrevorSpace and TrevorChat that we have on the Trevor Project website, where you can be yourself and share your feelings and thoughts with other people like yourself.
Here is an article about people with questions about being lesbian: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177
Here is more information about bisexuality: http://www.bisexual.org
On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177, you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Transgender… Now What Do I Do?”
Here is another resource about being Muslim and being LGBT: http://gaymuslims.org/
I hope you find this information useful. Remember that you are not alone and we will always be here to help out. If you ever need to speak to anyone, you are always welcome to call our helpline at 1-866-488-7386.