Ask Trevor

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Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

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Is she part of the family ?

Question:

I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or bi. The reason is my first crush was a boy. I have know him for a year, and have a crush on him 2 years long. What I wanted to share is that I have a crush on a girl now. So this girl I’m having a crush at is my friend’s ex. I know her from my friend. At first, I found her attractive. Never thought I’m a lesbian, I just found her so cute, I want to talk to her. Everyday I came to her class, and made her notice I was there. She noticed me and talk to me since when I tried to reach her, she was still my friend’s girl friend. She talked to me and we became friends.

We hangout so many times I can’t even remember how much. She talked about her past, her relationship, her family, her school, her schoolmates, everything she can talk about. Now I know her for 5 years, and I have feelings for her that long.

She talked about her lesbian friends in her school. She shared her opinion about the LGBT community. She was afraid that she will turn into lesbian. She even asked me if she was a lesbian, would I still be her friend? I told her, yeah I would.
Since then her skinship with me has increased. She started to hold my hands, staring at me, sometimes told a dirty joke about having sex with me and how she wanted to be my girl friend. (on side note: she also told this joke to another people, but not as detail as she told me because when she told that to me, we were always in a private place, either Facebook, Twitter, or her bedroom or mine). And the most touching part was when she cried, she said I was the first person she called.

What I’m wondering here, is she just trying to find comfort from another girl or is she in the same boat as I am?

 

Answer:

 

Dear Maria,

Thank you for taking the time to write a letter to us at Ask Trevor! It can be very difficult trying to figure out your sexual orientation and trying to navigate potential romantic relationships. It can be both terrifying and exciting when you have a crush on someone and do not know if they like you back. It is impossible to say if she just likes you as a friend or wants something more than that, in fact the only person who might really know is her. Additionally, she is the only one who can say if she is LGBT and attracted to women as sexual attraction is a very personal matter. You will have to decide if and then how you want to ask her. It might risk your friendship but it might also progress your romantic relationship. Perhaps you could start by asking her how she would feel if you were LGBT then seeing how she reacts to that?

First, however, it might be helpful to figure out a little more about your sexuality. Lets talk about what it means to be lesbian or bisexual. A bisexual person has, “the capacity for romantic and/or sexual attraction to more than one sex or gender” (bisexual.org). This definition can be very fluid. For instance, one bisexual person might be only interested in pursuing relationships with masculine men but also find masculine women sexually attractive, while another might find both genders equally attractive and pursue relationships with both. A lesbian, on the other hand, would be sexually and romantically attracted to and pursuing women and not men. These labels are not necessary needed and it might be best for you to try to figure out what you want first then pick or even choose to stay labelless. There are even some people who choose to call themselves pansexual meaning they are attracted to all types of people regardless of gender. Ultimately, understanding your sexuality will take some time and self reflection and can help you understand other people as well. Who do you typically find attractive when you enter a room, men, women or both? Who do you fantasize being with or get a crush on in a movie? The most important thing to remember is that your feelings are normal and it is perfectly natural for people to heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual.

I have attached some resources that you may find useful. You can also join our social network www.TrevorSpace.org to meet other people your age going through similar things and who might be able tot help you with some of your questions.

With love and support,
Ask Trevor

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177

http://glbtss.colostate.edu/i-think-i-might-be-bisexual

http://bisexual.org/qna_categories/bisexuals/