Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

Just a little lonely

Question:

There’s this guy in my art class who’s really cute, nice, funny, and well……straight. He doesn’t know that I’m gay, so he doesn’t know how I feel and I act a little different around him. I want to get over him, but there are no other gay guys in my school and I feel a little alone here. If you have any advice, that would be extra live (cool). I just feel a little distant sometimes, so yeah. :p

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi there,

Having a crush can be exciting, fun, terrifying, frustrating, and very tricky sometimes.  It can also be very hard to admit and talk about sometimes, especially when you know your crush isn’t gay, so you’re really brave for sharing your feelings and asking advice from us!

Depending on your exact situation, there may be several things you could consider doing.  Everyone experiences crushes in different ways sometimes, and while at times it can just be fun and pleasant to have those butterflies in the stomach and the rush of excitement from liking someone, at other times it can feel like torture liking someone without doing anything about it!  For some people, it works to take those feelings and use them as motivation to start a friendship with someone.  If that sounds like something that you’d want, you might consider just trying to be friends with him, and that may or may not help you get over your crush while allowing you to spend more time with and get closer to someone you already like and have fun being around.  On the other hand, some people are better able to get over their crush just by waiting it out and using distraction.  It takes a lot of patience, but eventually the feelings may just fade in time on their own.  Some people might even choose to come clean and let the person know about their feelings to help them get over a crush.  However, be wary of how people might react.  If he doesn’t know that you are gay, it can come as quite a shock to find out that not only are you gay, but you also are attracted to him.  If you consider telling him, make sure to think it through and avoid doing so if you aren’t sure how the news will be received.  His reaction could be anywhere from flattered to angry or offended, and it is important to keep that in mind and be prepared.  There is even a chance that he reacts violently, so you will want to make sure you consider how safe you would feel coming out to him.  You should never feel rushed or pressured to say anything that you are not comfortable admitting.

The hardest part for many gay guys is that feeling of loneliness and not having other gay guys to connect with in school.  It can make the possibility of crushes and dating feel very limited.  The good news is there are resources out there for teens like you to connect with other gay guys who are in similar situations.  You could join TrevorSpace (https://www.trevorspace.org/)  and/or emptyclosets.com, where you can chat in a safe and protected environment with other teens who can relate. It might help to read other people’s stories or post in forums to receive more tips from other like-minded people. You might also try to find an LGBT center near you (http://www.lgbtcenters.org/Centers/find-a-center.aspx), where you can hang out with other gay people and find support for the issues you are facing in school.  Remember that you are not alone! Everyone has experience with having a crush on someone and not knowing what to do.  Different people have different ways of handling these situations that works for them, so do a little digging to find out what really works for you.  And remember, you can always write to us at Ask Trevor again if you need more advice, or call our Lifeline anytime at 1-866-488-7386 to talk to a Trevor volunteer.  We’re always here for you, and we wish you the best!

 

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff