Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

ATTENTION!
Before submitting a letter, please be aware that letters are experiencing a longer than normal wait period. If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.
All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Hope you are having a great summer!

Just came out to my best friend

Question:

Dear Trevor,
Just weeks ago, I got this big fight with my best friend. Because I haven’t spoken to her for a week without a reason. I know it sounds stupid, but in the past she made some bad comments about gay people and that really hurted me. And now I finally admitted my sexual orientation. Anyway,she asked me why I haven’t talked to her and I said we need to speak private-we were talking on the phone- she told me to say whatever I want to say right in that moment so I had to come out to her on the phone. She closed the phone to my face. Then called me at night. She said she can’t help me, I should see a doctor because it is a sickness and she doesn’t want anything change in her life. So I was the one who needed help and support, but I had to make her believe that everything will be fine and nothing will change between us. Then she said she doesn’t want to talk about this again. She was my best friend for years, I can not believe tha things she said. I am so hurt, I feel so lonely. Since that day I don’t feel happy, I don’t want to talk with anyone. I need someone to support me.

 

Answer:

 

Dear Selen,

You were very brave to come out to your friend! It’s understandable that you felt hurt when she wasn’t supportive. Her reaction sounds very disappointing.

Your friend is probably upset because she doesn’t know how to handle her fear of change. The good news is the fact she’s upset shows she values your friendship—she’s afraid of losing it. Hopefully, in time she will see that things don’t need to change and understand you are still the same person she knows and cares about. Your sexuality shouldn’t stand in the way of being friends. If it does, that’s her fault—and her loss. You deserve friends who accept you for who you are. Your sexual orientation is definitely not a sickness.

Don’t be too hard on yourself—it’s perfectly reasonable to be hurt by homophobic comments, especially when they come from a friend. Talking out loud about what you’re feeling could be a big help. Do have friends or family who you could reach out to and discuss the situation?

Coming out is a process, and it can be tricky. Check out this guide we’ve put together—you might find it helpful. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/the-guide

Please feel free to write back if you’d like. Good luck!

With love and support,
Ask Trevor